Mar. 29-Apr. 4
ARIES
March 21–April 19
Aries, it’s really hard to write a horoscope when there’s nothing bad happening. Bad things provide drama, conflict, weighty metaphors. But you fools are having a fine time, and all we got are tired-ass metaphors like cloudless blue skies. Just stay centered so you can move all this good energy around with ease.
TAURUS
April 20-May 20
Back off, Taurus! Let things develop as they are. That’s your assignment. And it’s bound to be hard, seeing how all this shit in your life is tumbling down all around you. But the reason stuff is crumbling is because on the other side is a sturdier you, one who doesn’t need any stinkin’ walls at all. So hands off.
GEMINI
May 21-June 21
All the energy is pushing you to be more emotionally present and to actively cultivate more intimacy, Gemini. Can you handle it? Can you handle it openly, without turning into a control freak? That’s the question. We have a lot of faith in you and think you’ll manage it with honesty and grace.
CANCER
June 22-July 22
We don’t want to pee-pee in your breakfast cereal, fair Cancer, but someone’s got to caution you to use a light hand, and we’re stepping up to do it. If it feels like a great moment to initiate projects that’s because it is, but you don’t want to start things off with a bang. Bangs are bad this week. Try instead a gentle whoosh.
LEO
July 23-Aug. 22
There are very important lessons involving humility coloring your life right now. Humility lessons are never fun, Leo. Sometimes they’re even downright humiliating. But please, do submit to them, however dreadful. Lesson Number One: Feeling victimized does not relieve you from taking responsibility for yourself.
VIRGO
Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Virgo, it is a difficult truth that sometimes a loss, or an avalanche of bullshit, actually frees us. If the painful loss or suffocating bullshit avalanche seems anything but liberating, than it’s absolutely your job to look harder at your situation until you find the space in it to gloriously let go.
LIBRA
Sept. 23-Oct. 22
You have one massive letting-go moment in store for you this week, Libra. It’s huge, it’s crucial, and it’s a release that you’ve been building up to for a looong time. All you have to do is give yourself permission to break free and move full steam into the future that’s waiting for you.
SCORPIO
Oct. 23-Nov. 21
Scorpio, we invite you to look at the fabric of your life. Perhaps it’s plaid, perhaps houndstooth. For some it has been fashioned into a stylish trench; other Scorpios may behold a kimono or a micromini. It don’t matter. All you need to do is find the threads of anxiety woven into your garment, and bust out the seam ripper.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22-Dec. 21
What’ll it be, Sag — patience or fear? Take your pick, pal, cause you can’t have both. Things are moving much slower than you’d like them to, but when isn’t that the case with you people? We see you shining like a star, but a star that’s pissed at life for not giving you exactly what you wanted. And your choices for dealing are patience and fear.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22-Jan. 19
Even during this pleasant stretch of time you’re experiencing, we’ve got some work for you, Cap. And you, being such a workhorse, will not let us down. We see you’re still a bit attached to having crap in your life, still a wee mite attracted to suffering. We challenge you to cut that shit out. Get on it, please.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Aquarius, offer yourself to the great unknown. You’re just not going to know the answers, and you’re not going to be able to control much of anything. Sometimes life is difficult, darling, and this is one of those times. We see a lot of confusion, frustration and fear. Move slowly, and don’t make it worse by trying to fix what’s beyond your reach.
PISCES
Feb. 19-March 20
Unlike some others in the zodiac this week, Pisces, you actually do get to exert some control over your life and environment. But don’t take that as an invitation to become a massive control freak, OK? A grounded approach to shaping your path will work much better than impulsive slashing, so go slow. * *