SUPER EGO Oh, the endless string of characters! Clubland just keeps ’em comin' in glorious, sequin-spangled kablooeys. Go on, children, do it while you still got freedoms. And tits to you for saving Pride. Pink Saturday was a nightmare, the Dyke March was a walkathon, and despite the amazing turnout — that whole outpatient rehab thing must really be catching on — Pride Sunday found me huddled at the foot of the Tylenol PM booth, cursing the sunlight and desperately searching for something, anything, worth following home. If it wasn't for the Trans March, the underground parties, and the occasional streak of club freaks, the weekend woulda been boot. Best overheard quote: "Let's make a suicide pact. I'll kill you and you die." Gay love!
So OK, it was a slightly flabby hottie in lime green denim daisy dukes and a handlebar mustache. I followed his flashing go! go! bootie up to the Castro until I stumbled over a sandwich board outside Nutri-Sport advertising "New! Ejaculoid!" I erupted with inquisitiveness. A "natural male explosion" product that promises increased virility by thickening my semen? At last! Thank you, Goliath Labs! (Other products: Groloid, Stimuloid, Thermoloid, Tribuloid, Sleep Cycle. Add in Grumpoid and Viruloid and shazam! A list of my seven exes.)
What the hell? It was Pride. I was bored. My body's an amusement park. Let's do it.
I downed the stuff with a back-pocket Cuervo shot, pushed my "Thank you for shopping with us!" skirt down, pulled up a George W. Bush Jell-O mold, and . . . where was I? Oh, yes, personalities. Clublebrities. As I felt my resolve slowly stiffen, my self-appointed-arbiter-of-club-cool mind drifted to two of my latest, completely unrelated, faves: MC Cookie Dough and Dee Jay Pee Play. Now, in a segue only a mother could love, I briefly exclaim their greatness to you.
"Cookie Dough is a smile from ear to ear, a kind word said to all," quoth la Dough. (If there's one thing I adore, it's a drag queen who refers to herself in the third person — because the first two are reserved for schizophrenia.) "But Cookie Dough is also a talented, unstoppable force who'll chip away at every queen in the city, take control of the top, and gloriously welcome the day the name Cookie Dough rolls off everyone's tongue and melts in their mouth. I do believe it's happening now." Look out, ladies, she's gonna Pills-bury ya.
Cookie's a bloody-pantied Trannyshack alum who's brought some greezy downtown flavor to the Castro as hostess of the biweekly trash drag rock ’n' roll bonanza Cookie Dough Monster Show at Harvey's. Sublebrity guest performers, send-ups of old-school howlers, cutie audience galore — you know the drill. A local movie starlet and "theatrical personage," Miss Dough-nuts also gets keyed up, pianowise, with Cookie . . . After Dark, her occasional Martuni's croonfest, featuring, if you can believe it, live singing. Me love Cookie.
"I don't know about Ejaculoid, but I worship Sphincterine," says Pee Play. "I make all my tricks use it." (Sphincterine? Check out www.mintyass.com now.) A skater, a hater, and the DJ most likely to throw on Hi-NRG remixes of the Boys Choir of Harlem at a party, Pee Play's the latest, greatest apocalypse of taste.
Along with his right-hand bag lady Marina Bitch, he revived underground vogue balls, until the cops made him stop (www.myspace.com/vogueordiesf), and is allied with half-assed gay bike gang–party mafia GBG OMFAG. Plus, how can I resist a kid who shows up at circuit parties as "Al Gayeda" with a giant fake beard and "Do Not Rape Me" magic-markered on his chest? His next party is — gasp! ugh! — a masquerade party called M. "Make sure you're there at midnight when the Masque of Red Death descends!" he says. "Well, actually, it's just a bunch of people running around giving everyone AIDS." Cannot wait.
And Ejaculoid? A total wash. If you wanna know the deets, you can find me gulping bubbly in the ejacuzzi.