Alert: Mercury is retrograde
March 21-April 19
Aries, there are certain activities we permit and encourage. Getting a grip on reality is definitely one of them. Formuutf8g some new ideas is another good choice, but they must remain in the mental realm for now. It’s not a good time to take action.
April 20-May 20
Good job, Taurus! You’re flying high. On the agenda for you: Continue to invest in your emotional relationships in a way that reflects the truth of who you are.
May 21-June 21
Gemini, do you think a team of fairies will descend from the sky and pluck you out of this awful funk you’ve allowed yourself to sink into? Only you can undo the damage, friend. Begin by cultivating the dazzling confidence needed to put yourself out there.
June 22-July 22
You’re having a really spiritual week, Cancer. The problems that plague you, no matter what they look like at first glance, are spiritual problems, and the correct answers will likewise be spiritual ones. Not that you need answers. Nope, a simple decision to turn it all over to the universe works way better than a brainy conclusion.
July 23-Aug. 22
Leo, your horoscope this week is so not complicated. And we know what a shitty time you people have been having, so please enjoy this admonition: Pursue happiness. Invest in what gives you pleasure. Hang out with people who really like you. Do stuff that makes you feel good. And that’s all.
Aug. 23-Sept. 22
We’re not putting you to work this week, Virgo. Nope, we don’t want you toiling, we just want you reflecting. The imperfections in your relationships aren’t nearly as shitty as you, the perfectionist, think they are. We’d like to see you gently making peace with imperfection. If you break a sweat, you’re doing it wrong.
Sept. 23-Oct. 22
Libra, be on the lookout for opportunities and experiences that will allow you to access ever-higher levels of your own potential. This is some pretty deep stuff and we hope you are ready to have your mind pleasantly blown and your horizons violently expanded. Don’t try to understand it — just go for it.
Oct. 23-Nov. 21
Creating and maintaining structures that make a person feel all cozy and cared for might be a cinch for those goddamned earth signs, but for you, Scorpio? A real pain in the ass. Alas, everyone needs a world that makes them feel cozy and cared for, so we hope you devote all your energy to that this week, even if it’s hard. You deserve it.
Nov. 22-Dec. 21
We know you’re a thrill seeker, Sag, and want every horoscope to be a bombastic promise of adventure and fornication, but you’re shit out of luck. Truth is, you’re feeling crappy, and only by tending to the perhaps boring needs of the body will you get any relief.
Dec. 22-Jan. 19
Capricorn, we want you to strike a balance between pushing and yielding. When you’ve managed to twist yourself into this seemingly paradoxical yoga of the mind, we want you to hold the pose ’til it feels like you’re going to emotionally keel over. Speak your truth directly and allow others to meet you in their own way.
Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Patience, Aquarius, patience! We see you twitching around, driven mad by how quickly things are barreling forward while going bonkers with the slooow pace of your life right now. It’s all out of your control, and only patience and a calming practice will help you get back to normal.
Feb. 19-March 20
This is one of those “the more you give, the more you receive” moments, Pisces. A tad cheesy perhaps, but the truth should resonate and, we hope, inspire you to step up the giving. Pay extra attention to your family of either birth or choice — that’s where your emotional generosity will be most appreciated and have the biggest payback. SFBG
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