SUPER EGO Does it count as gay if you're in love with yourself? That was my philomasophical rumination as I obsessively re-YouTubed Kevin Federline's icky, icky "rap" debut on last month's Teen Choice Awards. Because if loving yourself counts, then I agree with most of the 200,000 teens who posted comments: K-Fed is gay, honey. Too gay to know she's a train wreck.
Yet I simply couldn't tear myself away. My chica Anna Conda had just got fagbashed in the Tenderloin. (She's OK; the fucks got busted.) There's a ginormous police state crackdown on New York clubs going down right now. And then, you know, the whole scary fuckin' world and stuff. Oh lord, it's a mess.
But here I was lost in the Yubehole, glued to Mr. Britney Spears's Vanilla Ice-O-Matic Beastie Boys bar mitzvah act, complete with breakin' goofballs in golf pants and choreography cribbed from Basic Instinct's bisexual dance floor. Ignorance was bliss. Thank the ethernet someone just then uploaded hundreds of ’90s underground vogue ball clips, so I could toggle my ogle to some real synthetic talent — and erase the taste of rap tapioca from my slack-jawed mouth. Search string "femqueen" for days and days of two-snaps-up.
Talking point: if technology's taught us anything, it's how to use our screens to look away.
Talking point: I'd still do him. Ugh.
But wait. Hold up. Replay selection. Why the online mainline? If I really wanna see someone act a fool, I'd rather see it in person. I'd rather have some fun with it — and them have fun with it too. One of the finer club pleasures to arise since the death of the supastar DJ has been the explosion of live performance. People are gingerly stepping out of the virtual fishbowl and doin' it live. Dirty drag, ragged karaoke, amateur strip contests, impromptu tambourine circles: it's an interactive wonderland out there, I tells ya. A Xanadu on Xanax. And everyone's a sparkly Newton-John.
So fuck K-Fed. I bust out to FAME!, the new hip-hop karaoke monthly at the Bar of Contemporary Art, hosted by DJ White Castle and MC Hector Preciados of the Sweatbox crew. It's a smallish crush of good-looking folks there, but the joint is boisterous. The first thing I see is a guy in a Jesus getup flowing to some Notorious B.I.G. That put the kibosh on my plans to tackle "It Takes Two." Can't beat the Notorious JC, y'all. He's followed up by a dude in a Hebrew Oakland A's cap. Say what? I'm freakin' out. The kid has mads, and the crowd's tipped up on its South Side Zappos, spilling its cran-Absoluts. Polish up your Tupac and have at.
Four shots later, I head to Deco for nine-foot-tall dragsaster Renttecca's new out-of-control monthly, Starfucker. Absurd Galz-Gone-Wild antics galore, a downstairs sex parlor, busty wonder Hoku Mama's loungy sauna-swamp, and a "Hottest Ass in the Tenderloin" contest. (I brought a can of Raid for that last one. And maybe will for the second one as well.) I was approaching Deco's magic portals when a large, muscular hand laid itself on my seductively bared shoulder. It was one of the hot denizens of FAME!
Dip it low, pick it up slow, roll it all around, punk it out like a backhoe: uh-oh. Looks like my trajectory's changed. Sorry, Renttecca, but in the limpid, slightly crossed pools of his gangsta-dreamy eyes I forgot Deco, forgot Starfucker, even forgot FAME!
Hey, what's my name? SFBG
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