• Portrait #2: Trojan (Vanessa Renwick, US).
• Sword of Doom (Kihachi Okamoto, Japan, 1966).
• Not bad for a work-in-progress: Miranda July's Things We Don't Understand and Definitely Are Not Going to Talk About at SF Cinematheque on Oct. 23.
• Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents' Dinner on April 29.
• Il Posto (Ermanno Olmi, Italy, 1961).
• Crispin Glover's 1987 Late Night with David Letterman platform shoe karate kick demonstration, on YouTube.
Bryan Boyce is the director of America's Biggest Dick, Rumsfeld Rules, and other movies.
MICHELLE DEVEREAUX'S 10 BEST AND 10 WORST
• Best walkies: Helen Mirren, black labs, and corgis, The Queen (Stephen Frears, UK/France/Italy)
• Best 1/8th mighty Choctaw: John Michael Higgins, For Your Consideration (Christopher Guest, US)
• Best German whore: Cate Blanchett, The Good German (Steven Soderbergh, US)
• Best Russian whore: Vera Farmiga, Breaking and Entering (Anthony Minghella, UK/US)
• Best ex-junkie whore: Amy Sedaris, Strangers with Candy (Paul Dinello, US)
• Best bloodsucking: Stockard Channing, 3 Needles (Thom Fitzgerald, Canada)
• Best unnecessary invention: 3-D glasses for real life, The Science of Sleep (Michel Gondry, France/Italy)
• Best western: The Proposition (John Hillcoat, Australia/UK)
• Best meltdown: Frances McDormand, Friends with Money (Nicole Holofcener, US)
• Best performance by the artist formerly known as Marky Mark: Mark Wahlberg, The Departed (Martin Scorsese, US)
• Worst performance by the artist formerly known as Marky Mark: Mark Wahlberg, Invincible (Ericson Core, US)
• Worst meltdown: polar ice caps, An Inconvenient Truth (Davis Guggenheim, US)
• Worst nudity: Ken Davitian, Borat (Larry Charles, US)
• Worst role model for Britney Spears (excluding Paris Hilton): Rinko Kikuchi, Babel (Alejandro González Iñárritu, US/Mexico)
• Worst date movie: United 93 (Paul Greenglass, US/UK/France)
• Worst love interest for Tom Cruise since Katie Holmes: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Mission: Impossible III (J.J. Abrams, US/Germany)
• Worst stand-in for Margot Kidder: Kate Bosworth, Superman Returns (Bryan Singer, US/Australia)
• Worst reason to become a vegetarian: Barnyard (Steve Oedekerk, US/Germany)
• Worst emoter (someone give this man a lozenge): Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond (Edward Zwick, US)
• Worst excuse for two upcoming sequels: Goal! The Dream Begins (Danny Cannon, US)
Michelle Devereaux is a Guardian contributing writer.
SARAH ENID HAGEY'S PRESCRIPTIVE LOOK AT THE CINEMATIC CRYSTAL BALL
Here is my prediction for the coming year of film. I know I may sound like a new age mumbo-jumboist, but I sense a return to mysticism and spirituality. The age of nihilism is really just some shortchange bullshit. The postmodern, amoral, canned reality period has proved its point and has been nothing more than a carbuncle. What, then, is my prescription? The surreal, detached from reality, psychedelic, hallucinogenic, optimistic fantasy film. In the words of my dear friend Chad Peterson, "Fantasy intoxicates only the strong mind.