Hurt!

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andrea@altsexcolumn.com

Dear Andrea:

I have recently discovered that I'm one of those lucky women who can ejaculate. Hooray! Except when it gets really wet and wild, I am plagued by a burning sensation. It isn't enough to stop the action, but it's annoying, and makes me think that I'm hurting myself. Could it be that my boyfriend's super-rough hands are giving me microscopic little cuts? It gets pretty heavy at times. Why is too much of a good thing making me burn?

Love,

On Fire

Dear Fire:

Oh lord, I'm seeing those little wavy lines that Mike Myers used to do with his fingers on Wayne's World right before the flashback scenes. I'd forgotten all about "Freshenup, the gum that goes ... squirt!," a singularly unappealing product heavily promoted when I was in high school, but YouTube, of course, has not (www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oWF2bSZjGM). Back then my friend Ted used to wander around pretending to wince in pain and muttering, "The gum that goes ... hurt!" under his breath. This was before Ted went manic and wrote 150 songs in one week and ended up on a locked ward, but ... oh, sorry, wavy lines. How could you have expected that your perfectly innocent question would cause that sort of reaction in me? I can't be the only one who's thought of that squirty gum over the years, though, especially when the topic of female ejaculation comes up, and done some wincing herself. So gross. Squirt! What were they thinking?

Anyway. I think you've answered your own question with the mention of super-rough hands. I'm not sure if you meant that he tends to play pretty rough with you or that his hands are literally alligatory, but either way, how can we begin to solve this if he's roughing you up every time you get down? If it's really skin roughness, then we (this includes me) are going to have to get comfortable with the idea of our guy getting a little Queer Eye with the self-care products and start using an oily scrub (these can be found in manly scents like eucalyptus or menthol or, I dunno, beer) in the shower and lotion after. A manicure wouldn't hurt, either. If it's the former problem and he's just very grabby or pinchy or punchy, we're going to have to ask him to cut it out. Of course, if you like it rough (you'd have plenty of company), this is going to be a little bit harder to solve.

If he's actually tearing you up a little, the main culprit isn't going to be pressure, it's going to be friction, so see what happens if you use just a ridiculous amount of lube, preferably the space-age silicone stuff which is so antifriction it's practically antigravity. This stuff is dangerous: it has magical container-escaping properties and once it's on your floor it kind of wants to kill you, but it will make his gnarly fingers glide over you like a little swan on a glassy pond. With lily pads. Or it might, anyway. It's worth a try. So is teaching him how to touch nice.

OK, so that's why you might be hurt and how to stop it. The next question is why does it sting when you ejaculate and not when you, say, whistle "Dixie"? Well, we know why but nobody wants to talk about it except me, or so it seems sometimes. It's stinging because the fluid that's getting in there is a mite acidic, and it's a mite acidic because it's pee, sort of. We've been over and over this, but I always feel, afresh, like I'm popping the world's sweetest child's most favoritest balloon.

The quick version goes something like this: the glands rumored to be responsible for the squirt, the Skene's glands, which cluster along the outside of the urethra, are too tiny to produce or contain the truly shocking amounts of fluid that some squirters can loose upon the world or their partner's face. That can be about half a liter of stuff, a water bottle full, so no way.

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