A yikely story

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andrea@altsexcolumn.com

Dear Andrea:

I am a 26-year-old good-looking male living in New Jersey. I am very fond of scat play with females. I used to play with my own scat, but I always wish some female would play with me. Can you help me with that, please?

Love,

Scatman Wannabe

Dear Man:

Yeah, probably not.

I was changing the baby this morning when she started to whimper and fuss. "What's the matter," I asked her, "Don't like poop?"

"No," she said firmly. "Don' yike it."

Let's be honest; I don't yike it either. The truth is, hardly anybody does yike it, and of those who do, most appear to be men. So every six months I get some variant of your question and every year or so I answer it. Like this: "Chances are you're S.O.L. Sorry!"

There are a few women who will actively seek out scat play. They are, in both the Rick James sense and the strictly demographic one, superfreaks. If you moved to a major metro area and became involved with the S-M community, behaved well, and got invited to parties you might hear of one such woman, or perhaps — if you approach very carefully and are vewwy vewwy quiet — glimpse one in the wild. I can't even promise that you'd meet her, and I certainly cannot guarantee that anyone you did meet would want to do her thing with you. This is not the sort of thing people just indiscriminately do with anyone who comes along. It's kind of — and it pains me to say this, or to think about it in too much detail — intimate.

As with many other very rare, widely despised subspecialties, this is the sort of thing you're probably going to have to pay for. You could find yourself a Strict German Goddess or some such who might consent to shit on you. On her terms. That just might have to be good enough for you, and it is surely going to cost you. Like I said: sorry!

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

My boyfriend says his old girlfriend used to let him pee on her. I'm wondering why, and also if it's safe. He says it's sterile. Is it really? And what's the deal with this? I can look it up, but I'm not sure I want to see what happens if I Google "pee on me."

Love,

Not Sure About This

Dear Sure:

Good thinking! Especially if it's your work computer. Either way, Googling "piss play" or similar is probably a bad idea unless you're quite sure you want to see what you'd see. Of course, it's safer than "goatse" or "tub girl" or that guy who ... never mind. Those sites kind of scarred me for life, and I wouldn't wish similar on the unwary reader, so let's just drop it.

I can't answer "why" without knowing more about what the boyfriend and the ex were up to. You can piss on somebody with much sneering and attitude and be all dominant about it, but two people can also just play with pee because it's there, with no greater meaning. You can splash it around, or aim it, or drink it, or make somebody else drink it but there's no way to tell which they were doing without more info. On the subject of drinking it, though, it really is pretty clean, although I hesitate to use the word "sterile" since I'm a stickler and anything that's touched the outside of somebody's body is going to pick up some "body ash" (is there a skeevier phrase?) or dust or something. Plus there are many reasons that a spare blood cell or so might be floating around in there. But basically, yes, pee is remarkably clean.

Poo, of course, is remarkably dirty — it defines "dirty," really — and right there is your difference. It's extremely unlikely you're going to catch anything from pee. It doesn't stain. If you're healthy and hydrated and have avoided certain obvious food groups, it barely even smells. Social taboos aside, it's pretty innocuous.

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