andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com
Dear Andrea:
My lover and I have amazing sex. We love each other dearly too. We’ve been seeing each other for three years with no decrease in intensity. I’m 45, he’s 37, and I’ve got two kids (who are older, so they cannot be held responsible for the following problem).
A few times lately when we’ve made love, I have had a small bowel movement. I always have multiple orgasms and there is squirting involved (which he really gets off on), which involves sort of bearing down. This has only happened three times in all, I think. But I’m horrified. He’s a saint (overall, and about this in particular), and just murmurs he’ll get me a warm facecloth, then wipes me off (as I’m generally lying there grinning and sort of unaware of what’s going on til later when I see the sheets).
I doubt he’s getting off on that part — more that he figures it’s a necessary evil (since the sex is so good). But I’m not happy about it, so what to do? Is this a dietary thing? Do I need to lay off the Indian food before he comes over? Try my hardest to do a BM before sex?
Any info hugely appreciated!
Love,
Horrified
Dear ‘Fied:
Why do I do this to myself? I am not a poop fan (yes, I know, but yes, there sure are), and three years of parenthood have failed to move me any closer to poop fandom. I’m just not feeling it. I don’t really even like to read about it. How fortunate that your saintly boyfriend is so much less of a weenie than I am!
It would be gratifyingly simple to blame the saag aloo, which, yes, is delicious, but which you could certainly forego on date nights, if necessary. Sadly, I think your curries are as innocent as they are yummy. I’m not so sure we can let your children, or rather your child-bearing, completely off the hook, though. I think this is a pubocoxxygeus-related problem, brought on perhaps by having had those kids — plus the unfortunate slackening both inside and out that comes in one’s 40s and facilitated by your bearing down to squirt. I think what we’ve got here is a failure to Kegelcize. Kegels aren’t just for vaginas, you know.
Here is a potential program: step up the fiber and see if you can get on a regular full-evacuation schedule, and start doing a whole lot of sets of Kegel-type contractions, making sure you’re tightening the relevant parts. If you’re not getting anywhere after a month or so, see your gyno and get your pelvic floor assessed. Something may be amiss in there. What’s going on may not be devastating, and it’s lovely that your boyfriend is so unfussed, but you find it (understandably) distressing. And actually, it should not be happening.
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea:
My boyfriend wanted to put his finger in my arse, so I eventually let him, wanting to try everything once! I was surprised by how much I liked it and how intense it made my orgasm, and we are now talking about trying full anal sex. But how does it give me pleasure? Surely for girls there aren’t any special spots in there?
Love,
What’s in there?
Dear What?:
Clearly not so!
OK, it’s true, no prostate. But plenty of nerve endings, at least around the anus itself, and many prostate-less persons enjoy the sensation of fullness and pressure. Still, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that it was the extra crowding, if you will, that created the extra intensity, in which case the anal intercourse with no vaginal involvement may not produce the desired effect. No way to tell without experimenting, though. Oh well!
Love,
Andrea
Dear Andrea:
My boyfriend and I just had sex for the first time last weekend. While I did receive some pleasure, the second time I was too distracted to fully enjoy it. Every time he would push, I would feel like I was going to go to the bathroom. I know for a fact that I didn’t have to go because I tried. Is it normal to feel this way?
Love,
Perplexed
Dear ‘Plex:
Pretty much. I don’t even know if by "go to the bathroom" you meant one or two, but it hardly matters — all the relevant structures are packed very tightly in there. Something pushing into your vagina is putting some pressure on both your urethra (in front) and your rectum (behind), and the unfamiliar sensation can certainly read as bathroom-type urgency of some sort, even if you’ve recently been. I’m going to assume that you are A) young, B) tight, and C) just generally built small. The first two will pass, as will the unfamiliarity. What never does change is the requirement that you be quite turned on before he tries to get in there. It makes a world of difference. You’ll be amazed how much more space there is for him when you’re ready to receive him. Slow. Down.
Love,
Andrea
See Andrea’s other column at carnalnation.com.