Anyone can do a little physical control, but far fewer are comfortable with saying a lot of mean stuff to someone they're used to calling "snugglepuss."
Since we're now years past having to recommend books to people with outré (or formerly outré) interests, I ought to send you and the girlfriend off to the Web for some Perv 101-level education, but I think, at least to start out, I won't. Books are safe, they are familiar, and they don't flash animated gifs of hog-tied ladies getting cattle-prodded. Books never have loud, unexpected sound-files attached to them. Try something like Jay Wiseman's S/M 101: A Realistic Introduction, or the topping and bottoming guides by Easton and Liszt, which are illustrated with harmless line drawings, like The Joy Of Sex but with less armpit hair. Anyone who is scared of books like these is not going to want to whip you anyway.
See Andrea's other column at carnalnation.com.
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