Smoked dry - Page 2

DRUGS ISSUE: Why I couldn't handle being legal

Too much vs. enough

From that day forward, however, I resolved to only buy buds, or whatever you call those shriveled, turd-like things, from the renegade marijuana underground — from those brave women and men who boldly said "Never mind!" to the law and scammed PG&E for the noble purpose of getting us all hella stoned. In other words: "Hey, criminals — the bitch is back. Who do I have to blow for some free shake?"

But I'd be lying if I said the financial and self-control fallouts of having unlimited access to superbuds were the only reasons I destroyed my card: In all honesty, I was getting too fucked up, thanks to the edibles.

Indeed, one of the first things I noticed when I became legit is that smoking weed is so last year. Only losers and totally boring Deadheads still smoke it. Everybody else eats it, drinks it, or swallows it, which is where, if you are not careful, you may cross the line from harmless stoner dingbat to depressing drug addict nodding off. Just ask me.

At $15 bucks a pop, the Showstopper hash cookie had better be the shit. It turns out that it is, big time. Although nothing special to look at it, this buttery, chocolate-chip morsel is similar to a 'ludey combination of MDMA, mushrooms, and weed — a pretty sublime experience for a pot cookie. At first, half a cookie did the trick. But soon I was eating a whole one and contemplating taking two in one afternoon.

Clearly, the point of edibles is to get you majorly fucked up, and I initially had no problem with that concept because, as you will remember, I am sick! But did I really need the $50 container of hash oil, too? You bet I did. As soon as the cute hipster stonerrista at the dispensary finished explaining the proper way to spread the dark, golden oil on my spliff papers, I was thinking, "Three blocks is too far away, man. I need to be lighting this shit up RIGHT NOW."

I ate my $15 cookie on the way home, where I smeared the hash oil on a Zig Zag with a safety pin, sparked it up, and soon started nodding off on the couch. So early '90s, right? And it was just noon on a Saturday, and all I had to do was laundry, which prompted me to wonder, "Why am I getting this high? What am I after here? Maybe I should just start using heroin or morphine. Or maybe heroin and morphine together. What the fuck is going on, Seawhore?"

Suddenly, those lightweight days of just huffing whatever crap landed my way seemed so sweet and innocent in contrast to my new life as a hardened doper. And didn't I feel bad for abandoning my grower peeps? Yes, I did feel bad. And stupid, too. After all, Roberta Seawhore isn't in this habitual pot-smoking biz to get completely out of her head. I like to think of marijuana as Roberta's little helper––not as the k-hole heroin-bomb of the plant world.

Don't get me wrong here, people. I am thankful the dispensaries exist, and the legalization of marijuana is a huge step forward for mankind. But if you are a Payless flip-flop shopper with no self-control like me, I suggest you think twice before getting legal. Can you handle the ease? Or are you better off chasing an unreliable drug mule throughout the Mish just to get an oregano fix? Only you know the answer to that. I wish you the best.


Well written. I enjoyed reading this piece.

Posted by That One Girl on Aug. 19, 2010 @ 12:53 pm

Roberta Seawhore is a fabulous writer.

I had pretty much given up on ever finding a good writer anymore at The SF Bay Guardian. Most have the depth of an oil slick that you find under an old leaky car that's been sitting unused for months in a garage driveway.

About all they're good for is turning out the same old tired rhetorical formulas in order to please Big Daddy at the top of their food chain. They prove once again the truth of Gore Vidal's old adage: "No talent is not enough."

However, Roberta Seawhore has both talent and a life, and also writes for The Guardian. Imagine that. Who'd a' thunk?

Her tale about marijuana reminds me of a friend of mine, a brilliant, outrageous drag queen who died, sadly, from liver cancer at a young age.

For years, my friend had been unable to stop using pot. Although living in Oregon, she came regularly to SF to get her pot fixes. The best stuff around, she always said.

After she was diagnosed with liver cancer, the time approached for a last-ditch, horrendous surgery aimed at saving her life (maybe). To everyone's amazement, she stopped using pot for a few days before the surgeons cut her open. They discovered that her condition was hopeless.

A few days after the surgery, she had to have some pot again. She found someone who got her pot-laced brownies. She gulped one down and immediately got very sick. A few months later, she was dead.

The medical industry didn't help her, and neither did the pot industry.

She would have had a far more satisfying life, despite her early death, if she had been able to kick the pot addiction years ago. But she couldn't.

She loved the dealers here.

Posted by Arthur Evans on Aug. 19, 2010 @ 4:00 pm

I suppose it's kinda fun to read this lady's pot-musings but what's the point here? Cali weed is too good and expensive so instead contribute to Mexican cartels' bottom line? You know, the ones that are cutting each others heads off and growing shitty herb in our protected national parks?

Posted by Rob G on Aug. 20, 2010 @ 9:26 am

Dear Arthur Evans and That One Girl,

Thank you for your kinds words...and thank you for being bothered to write. Good to know I'm not the only pirate whore around these parts...
Arthur, there are many excellent writers at the Guardian. Johnny R.H. and Marke B. are two of the best in the city, for example...


And as for YOU, "Rob G,"

You missed my point. I'm saying SUPPORT INDEPENDENT GANJA GROWERS. When I say "drug mule," I'm joking...duh. Where the fuck are you from? Drug mules are underage slave labor prostitutes who swallow heroin and take airplanes and then shit out clean bags of dope in bathtubs. Don't you watch CSI? Were you born in an iPhone?
Buy local weed. I like the analogy of a farmer's market. Buy your goods from local growers, not from Whole Foods.

Posted by Roberta Seawhore on Aug. 22, 2010 @ 3:02 pm

I honestly think that if you smoke pot, it's probs a good idea to get legal. I can't argue against that, and the lady who I saw to get my card scared the shit out of me for not being legal already. I burned my card, but I still have my certificate. Say what you like, but Roberta is NOT dumb.

But then, again, if you smoke pot, you should also know who grows it, where it comes from. We are conditioned to think of growing marijuana as criminal activity, so people shy away from owning up to what they do and what they buy. That's bad because then you don't know the quality of your weed -- you don't know if it's organic or not. I would never buy shit off the street. That's crazy. Like gay marriage, however, when it goes legal it will be a boomerang will eventually be a non-issue.


Posted by Roberta Seawhore on Aug. 22, 2010 @ 3:26 pm

Your such a cry baby. Ya weed ruined your life omg its all weeds fault. Psh. Millions of people in america do it and they do alright. Its your fault dude, you know why? Well weed is not physically addicting. All of you saying weed is bad are a bunch of conservative bitches. Cannaboids in marijuana shrink tumor size and kill cancer cells. You guys are so pathetic blaming a plant that until 1937 was LEGAL. Ya thats right. They also used it for medicine. Hey guess what. You can not overdose from marijuana! You would have to smoke or ingest 1500 pounds of it and fast. I challenge you to do that. Total deaths from marijuana in the last 10000 years a big fat 0. Another lie you probably believe is that weed kills brain cells. Weed doesn't kill brain cells lack of oxygen kills brain cells. The test they ran was a joke. They strapped masks on monkeys and pumped them full of marijuana smoke for long periods of time. If you go 6 minutes with out oxygen it cause irreversible brain damage. But of course it was weeds fault right. Say what ever you want but weed is not going anywhere. Weed did not ruin your life you ruined your life.

Posted by What? on Sep. 03, 2010 @ 6:56 pm

not. getting. it.

Posted by marke on Sep. 03, 2010 @ 8:37 pm

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