Facebook or die? - Page 2

After I quit the social networking site, I woke up with a pep in my step, as if I'd just retired after 70 years of service at a meat-packing plant, with a huge marijuana, cat, and vibrator pension in the Bahamas


Which brings me to the fakemance with Dope Dancer. It seemed so real at first — even an illiterate would have been blinded by the powerful vibes that scampered off the interface when we'd go at it — feverishly jousting and teasing one another in an unselfconscious flurry of authentic desire, which was the intimate prelude to ... a follow-up like. It was our unique way of saying "I got you, babe" without actually having to.

I'd met Dope Dancer nearly 20 years ago in a moment of semiconscious raving. Then — as now, according to his bustling wall — he was an international superstar rave DJ (who now peddles cartoon collectibles on Haight Street sidewalks every weekday from noon till six — help a brother out, and don't bring $20s), and we're both pretty sure we held hands once, while on E in 1993 at the Endup.

Staring at his outdated profile pic on Facebook all day long was a seductive flashback to the glory years, when I could party for three days and still look cute. When all I had to worry about was finding the next party, the shortest dress. Real life had changed, but the fantasies had stayed the same.

And as with my commenter BFFs, transitioning to person-to-person contact was an awkward conundrum neither of us was equipped to handle. After six months of Facebook foreplay, we decided to interface live — specifically, under one roof, in the same room, on the same couch, at the same time.

However, face-to-face we had little to say. Oh, that's not fair: we talked about Facebook. The sexual tension that climaxed onscreen fizzled into the needling desire to check my phone. There on his couch in plain daylight, we saw each other for what we were: two imperfect human beings. And that, of course, was a letdown. I actually didn't mind the missing teeth and the curious forehead dent, details that never surfaced in his enormous collection of attractive profile pix. Even now, I am still too embarrassed to admit the truth: the pretend magic we shared could only flourish within the corporate safety zone of Facebook.

"Wake up, Roberta!" I told myself, "None of this is real. These tweekers aren't your friends." Facebook is simply a place to collectively drown in a wash of nostalgia and endless jibber jabber — solving nothing and doing even less. It is a stadium full of cracked-out narcissists, each with a podium and a mic, none of whom have anything interesting to say anymore but me. Of course, nearly every post I crafted was a jewel, a living and breathing Mona Lisa, even toward the end when I couldn't stop because of the OCD.

Which begs the question: Was I sharing thoughts with a supportive, ever-expanding community, or squandering precious seminal fluid among strangers from the past?

After whipping out a particularly snappy status update one recent morning ("If eyes really could burn holes, how many assholes would I have by now?"), I thought, "Shouldn't I be transcribing this shit into some kind of book — maybe one made with raw silk and pressed papyrus — instead of creating free content all day long for some rich asshole's website?"

For certain, there would be no Mona Lisa if da Vinci had been a total Fakecracker. In Leonardo da Vinci and a Memory of His Childhood, the clearly bi-curious Sigmund Freud argues that the artist was able to achieve supreme genius status through the sublimation of his sexual urges, which he redirected into an obsession for making art. In other words, if da Vinci had been banging court jesters all day, there'd be no creamy side sauce for that The Last Supper. And let's be honest — Facebook is nothing if not a substitute for the sex, cigarettes, and crack. Therefore, if da Vinci would not fuck, Seawhore would not post.


Posted by Guest on Nov. 24, 2010 @ 9:15 am

I love this article, brilliant, insightful. But if I tell you so in a brief comment instead of getting on with my work, I am participating in the same condemned activity! Therefore, I must stop now and start working on my Mona Lisa.

Posted by Guest on Nov. 24, 2010 @ 12:19 pm

You should have been more selective about who you "friended" on facebook. If you were involved in "motionally ruinous fights about burritos'" you allowed the petty types into your circle. Even if your fb friends were real life friends, to fight over such minor things in life like deviled eggs, clearly you must take some of the blame.

A fight is like a tango, it takes two. If you don't want to fight, don't. If you are insulted by someone's comment or wall post, delete it and forget it. Remember it is cyberspace where communication is done with a handicap.

When you are face to face you can read a person's body language, hear inflection in their voice, and interpret their tone. New media, email, text messaging, facebook, use strictly words to communicate.

Let's face it, most of the world has no writing skills. Most people can't spell or can't use spell check, you can't expect them make comments about your status so you know they are kidding around. LOL works sometimes, but not always. Most times you get in a fight with someone it's because you or they misunderstood the message. They failed to read between the lines.

As the more savvy one, you must keep your head, never forget that you are better than that. Rise above it. Take a breath and let it go. If you're offended by their bad spelling, correct them.

I always give the correct spelling in a comment to them. Most times I am thanked and they always spell that word the right way from then on. Why leave them ignorant? Show them the light.

If someone wants to fight, send them a private message. Doing it in public for all to see is bad form. YOU look bad. Like an accident on the freeway, everyone slows down to look. That's good if you are a drama queen. It simply looks ugly to the rest of us.

If you must tussle, take it outside, do it in private. That way no one knows about it. You resolve the issue. You remain friends and you both keep face. The rest of us can enjoy facebook without be subjected to silly arguments over nothing, like burritos and deviled eggs.

Posted by Guest on Nov. 24, 2010 @ 6:29 pm

Yes, yes yes!!! Now off to post this article on facebook, to the 93 people I actually know, in person. Tiresome in my practicality, yes, but there is only so much time in one day.

One word of advice on how to manage social networks, so they don't consume you.


"Remove" is a good one too.

Posted by Guest on Nov. 27, 2010 @ 12:13 pm

Roberta we miss you!!! Come back!!!
Why don't you just use a pseudonym or something?

Posted by Guest on Nov. 24, 2010 @ 7:09 pm

There's a life after Facebook. Don't go back

Posted by Guest on Nov. 24, 2010 @ 7:19 pm

All those vicious jibes weren't exactly time wasted if it's got you back to writing your column again...do not miss you on Facecrack a bit...when's the book coming then ?

Posted by Guest on Nov. 28, 2010 @ 3:58 am

oh Seawhore u old sea dog. we will always have "the flotilla". its not exactly Paris but............ cant believe u went back to old media, i read about it online. probably wont see u in the real world because u wont get the FB invite. LK

Posted by Guest on Dec. 02, 2010 @ 9:34 am

I'd friend her if she was still on FB

Posted by Guest on Jan. 28, 2011 @ 8:20 pm

Dearest Many, Many Millions of Fans:

The pressure has been too great. And weakness is my thing -- unless I'm playing gin rummy. I cannot lie -- I have rejoined Facebook, but only for the humble purpose of communicating with my dear ailing aunt, who lives in a tiny village in a remote RV park in Croatia and needs me to keep her abreast of everything important, like the camel toe I got today while trying on pants and the rate of canned beets at Best Buy.

Don't hate me. Just love me. Like Jesus, I am occasionally weak. (Wait -- he DID fuck that whore, right?) Uhm.


PS -- I also quit smoking pot and drinking. Everything is now a lie.

Posted by Guest on Apr. 09, 2011 @ 3:24 pm

It's true, social networking websites have become an integral part of many people's lives...
Very ironic and funny article, you did a good job!

Posted by Freeware PDF Editor on Oct. 13, 2011 @ 6:29 am

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