2010 Offies!

"We can't compete with China if we're all stoned!" Presenting our annual Off Guard Awards for the worst of a very bad political year

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tredmond@sfbg.com

When a major conservative political movement starts using a name that typically refers to the act of scrotal fellatio, you know it's morning again in America. In 2010, the teabaggers came home. They nominated candidates who think masturbation is selfish and wonder why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. They held rallies urging the government to "get out of my Medicare," which happens to be a government program. Their leaders praised dictators and urged women who had been raped to look at the bright side of things.

And those were just the headlines.

It's hard to imagine a year that could be worse than 2010 — but it was a great vintage for the Offies.

Presenting the Off Guard awards for the silliest, most insane, and absolute worst of the year that was.

AND SHE FIGURES IF WE ARREST EVERYONE WITH BROWN SKIN, WE CAN FINALLY GET THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR UNDER CONTROL

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer told reporters that illegal immigration resulted in beheadings in the desert.

BUT AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TOUCH YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK OF THE DEVIL, IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY

Christine O'Donnell, the Republican candidate for Senate in Delaware who decried masturbation as a "selfish act," said she only dabbled in witchcraft and had just one date on a satanic altar.

EXCEPT THAT WE ALREADY ARE, AND WE ALREADY ARE

Jerry Brown said he opposed the state's marijuana legalization measure because "we can't compete with China if we're all stoned."

LOOK BUSY

A Pew Research Center poll showed that 41 percent of Americans think Jesus will return in the next 40 years.

HEY, IF WE'D JUST CREATED THE WORST ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER OF THE DECADE, WE'D WANT A LITTLE BREAK, TOO

A few days after the worst oil spill in U.S. history, BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward complained that he wanted his life back.

BUT HE SWEARS HE'LL STOP AT BEHEADINGS

Insurance Commissioner Steve Poizner said if he were governor he'd give the National Guard live ammunition to shoot at immigrants on the border.

AFTER ALL, IF THEY'RE NOT IN AN AIRPLANE, THEY CAN'T DO ANY DAMAGE

GOP Senate candidate Carly Fiorina said that people on the federal no-fly list should have the right to own guns.

OOH, WHEN YOU TALK TOUGH LIKE THAT YOU ALMOST SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO COULD STAND UP TO THE REPUBLICANS. OR MAYBE NOT

President Obama asked whose ass he should kick at BP.

IT'S OKAY, THOUGH, AS LONG AS THEY WEREN'T ENGAGING IN ANY SELFISH ACTS

Staffers at the Securities and Exchange Commission got caught spending as much as eight hours a day downloading porn at the office.

AND SOMETIMES GOP CANDIDATES ARE NITWITS

Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sharron Angle praised Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet for his efforts to privatize that country's retirement system, saying "sometimes dictators have good ideas."

YEAH, COME ON, WHY CAN'T YOU LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS?