Heart attack!

What to do with your love (or possibly find a new one)? Check out the whens and wheres of Valentine's love week.

Buy a cheeky art shot for the apple of your eye at the "On the Edge" Erotic Photography Exhibition

V-DAY Be still your beating valves — you'd have to sprint to make it to all the V-Day lovin' in town this week, whether you're domesticated, on the prowl, or straight-up taking a pass on Hallmark-mandated caresses.


Jungle Love

Why buy a bouquet when you and your sweetie can plunge into 12,000 square feet of hothouse blooms, cash bar at the ready? Wed/9 6–9 p.m., $5. Conservatory of Flowers, 100 John F. Kennedy, SF. (415) 831-2090, www.conservatoryofflowers.org


How to Write a Dynamic Online Dating Profile

Time to maximize synchronicity! Sharpen your point-and-click romanticals at this free class. Wed/9 6:15–7:45 p.m., free. Main Library, 100 Larkin, SF., (415) 557-4277, www.sfpl.org


"Love on Wheels" Dating Game

"So, like, which way do your handlebars curve?" No matter how you roll, the SF Bike Coalition's onstage cyclist matchmaking should make for a good time. Wed/9 7 p.m., $5-$10. Public Works, 161 Erie, SF. (415) 932-0955, www.publicsf.com


Mortified's Doomed Valentine's Show

Spend a night with the other romantic fools at this show-and-tell of embarrassing childhood love notes and notions. Thurs/10-Sat/12 8 p.m., $15-$20. Thurs/10 and Fri/11: The Make-Out Room, 3225 22nd St., SF. Sat/12: Shattuck Down Low, 2284 Shattuck, Berk. www.getmortified.com


Food from the Heart

The Ferry Building's foodie funland gets sappy with $2-4 V-Day wine tastes and hors d'oeuvres. Fri/11 5– 8 p.m., free. Ferry Building, One Ferry Plaza, SF. www.ferrybuildingmarketplace.com


"Cupid's Back": a GLBT Historical Society benefit

A gala night for queer history — perfect for mingling singles, the happily matched, and any gay who loves an open bar. Fri/11 8 p.m.– midnight, $35-$40. Trigger, 2344 Market, SF. www.glbthistory.org


"On the Edge" Erotic Photography Exhibition

Last minute V-Day shoppers, here's the ace up your sleeve: an exhibit of world-class kinkster art, all available for purchase for that oh-so-perfect pervert on your list.

Fri/11 5–9 p.m.; Sat/12 3–9 p.m.; Sun/13 noon–3 p.m., free. The Artist's Alley, 863 Mission, SF. www.eroticartevents.com


Black Valentine's Masquerade

Brighton, England-based Krafty Kuts is ready to spin love for all the guys and ghouls at this glitchy V-Day murder on the dance floor. Fri/11 10 p.m.–4 p.m., $20 before 11 p.m. Mighty, 119 Utah, SF. www.sunsetpromotions.com


Haçienda: Love Tempo

DJs Inquilab, Robotsinheat, and Tristes Tropiques' monthly underground dance jam draws you in for a sweaty embrace of lovers' rock. Sat/12 10 p.m.–2 a.m., free–$3. Deco Lounge, 510 Larkin, SF. (415) 346-2025, www.decosf.com


Hearts, Hugs, and Hippos

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