Bad bromance: I Melt With You's Jeremy Piven, Rob Lowe, Christian McKay, and Thomas Jane

PHOTO COURTESY MAGNOLIA PICTURES

Credit is due to director Mark Pellington (1999's Arlington Road) and first-time (possibly last-time) scenarist Glenn Porter for their resolute belief that such crybaby bathos merits tragic grandeur. They take the term "epic fail" seriously, making I Melt the Götterdämmerung of male menopause movies. Seldom has a vanity project (right down to producer Jane's incessant showcasing of furry abs) backfired so badly, so personally on everyone involved. Because every scorching revelation here falls into the category of stereotypical rich-people's-problems most Hollywood success stories are smart enough to bare only on their analyst's couch.

Said therapist is well-paid to at least pretend empathy. That Pellington and co. actually expect us to pay cash money for the privilege of watching them bellow like the arrow-felled Last Buffalo is about as ridiculously far as the Peter Pan syndrome can possibly stretch.

I MELT WITH YOU opens Fri/23 in Bay Area theaters.