Presenting the Off Guard Awards for the worst of a year that almost wouldn't end
It was the year of the Rapture (oh, wait, maybe not), the year of the great Republican resurgence (oh wait, maybe not), the year of Anthony Weiner's penis and Gerard Depardeiu's piss, the year of the Kardashians and Charlie Sheen ... and the Offies in-basket overflows. Here are our favorite choice moments of 2011.
ACTUALLY, HIS THUMBS ON THE PHONE WERE THE ONES DOING DAMAGE
Anthony Weiner, in a sexting conversation with a middle-aged Nevada Democratic volunteer, described his penis as "ready to do some damage."
AT LEAST SOMEBODY'S DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE
Hustler publisher Larry Flynt offered Weiner a job
GOOD THING EXPERTISE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS NEVER BEEN A PREREQUISITE OF THE JOB
Presidential candidate Herman Cain, in an interview, said he didn't know the name of the president of Uzbekistan, which he called UBEKE BEKI KEIE BAH BAH STAND O BAN STAN SO WHAT WHAT?
CERTAINLY NOT THE KIND OF FOOD FOR A MIGHTY MAN WHO SEXUALLY HARASSES HIS SUBORDINATES
Cain said that too many vegetable toppings make a "sissy pizza."
BECAUSE AN ELECTRIFIED CARTOON MOUSE IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL
Cain blamed "elites" for derailing his campaign, then quoted from the Pokemon theme song.
NICE TO SEE HERMAN CAIN HAS COMPANY IN THE DEPARTMENT OF QUALITY POLITICAL CANDIDATES
Joe the Plumber announced he would run for Congress
COULD IT BE -- THE STUPIDEST REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE EVER?
Rick Perry couldn't remember which federal agencies he wanted to shut down.
EXCEPT THAT THE ALMIGHTY HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO TELL US WHICH DEPARTMENTS HE WOULD CUT, EITHER
Michelle Bachman said that the East Coast earthquake and hurricane were signs that God thought the country was spending too much money on government services.
IT APPEARS THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT CAN'T GET ITS STORIES STRAIGHT
Rush Limbaugh said that the power of Hurricane Irene, which caused 53 deaths and $15 billion in property damage, was blown out of proportion to promote "the leftist agenda."
HMMM... SINCE HERS MAKES A BUSINESS OF "CONVERTING" GAY PEOPLE, WE HAVE TO WONDER WHAT HE TELLS HER TO DO
Bachman said wives should be obedient to their husbands
BUT HEY -- THOSE GUYS ALL LOOK ALIKE
Bachman praised Waterloo, Iowa as the home of John Wayne, when it's actually the home of serial killer John Wayne Gacy
AN EXCEPTIONAL NEW INTERPRETATION OF THE INTELLECTUAL ROOTS OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT
Sarah Palin insisted that Paul Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells."
UM, RICK, THE SCHOOLS ARE CLOSED ON CHRISTMAS
A Rick Perry campaign ad said that "something's wrong with America" because "gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school."
DAMN -- THAT MEANS HE REALLY IS A DUMB AS HE LOOKS
Perry insisted he wasn't drunk when he delivered a rambling speech in New Hampshire
OR MAYBE A LITTLE LIKE FINDING OUT THAT SHE WAS JUST USING YOU ALL ALONG
Sup. David Chiu said meeting Mayor Lee -- who he helped put in office -- after he broke his promise not to run was "a little like meeting an ex-girlfriend after a breakup."
AND TALK ABOUT BEING USED
Ed Lee said he didn't want to run for mayor, but he had trouble saying no to Rose Pak and Willie Brown