OFFIES 2011 - Page 2

Presenting the Off Guard Awards for the worst of a year that almost wouldn't end

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IT DOESN'T MATTER -- AS THE GREAT RONALD REAGAN ONCE SAID, "FACTS ARE STUPID THINGS."

Sen. John Kyle announced that 90 percent of Planned Parenthood's business was abortions, and when it turned out he was wrong by a factor of 30, he said his allegation "wasn't meant to be factual."

 

 

THE U.S. HAS DEPOSED PEOPLE FOR LESS THAN THAT. OH, WAIT ...

Moammar Gadafi said his political opponents were on LSD and kept a stash of photos of Condoleeza Rice.

 

 

OH WELL, YOU KNOW HOW GOD IS; HE FLAKES OUT ON DATES ALL THE TIME

Oakland radio minister Harold Camping announced that the end of the world would come Oct. 21.

 

 

TOO BAD THAT WILL ONLY COVER THE FIRST SESSION OF THE POOR KID'S THERAPY

A woman who created a media frenzy when she said that she had given her young daughter botox admitted she made the story up so a tabloid would pay her $200.

 

 

WHEREAS, OBAMA HAS NEVER DEMANDED THAT TRUMP SHOW HIS REAL HAIR

Donald Trump demanded that Barack Obama show his birth certificate.

 

 

IF THE JAPANESE WOULD ONLY CUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING SOME MORE, THIS SORT OF THING WOULDN'T HAPPEN

Rush Limbaugh made fun of Japanese people after the earthquake and tsunami, saying "where Gaia blew up is right where they make all these electric cars."

 

 

THE SCHOOL'S ESTEEMED NAMESAKE, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAD 27 WIVES, SOME AS YOUNG AS 15, AND AT LEAST 64 CHILDREN, SO HE WOULD NEVER HAVE APPROVED OF SUCH A THING

Brigham Young University suspended basketball star Brandon Davies because he sex with his girlfriend.

 

 

IT'S AWFUL, THE SACRIFICES OUR POLITICAL LEADERS HAVE TO MAKE IN THE NAME OF THE COUNTRY

Newt Gingrich told the Christian Broadcasting Network that he'd cheated on his wife because he loved America so much.

 

 

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU WEREN'T SO FULL OF SHIT THE PLUMBING MIGHT FUNCTION A BIT BETTER

Sen. Rand Paul complained to an energy department official that he didn't like appliance efficiency standards because "we have to flush the toilet 10 times before it works."

 

 

NATURALLY -- CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS. SORT OF LIKE MARITAL FIDELITY

Gingrich told Occupy protesters to take a bath.

 

 

WHAT -- HE DOESN'T CONSIDER HIMSELF A "FROTHY MIX OF FECAL MATTER AND LUBE THAT IS SOMETIMES THE BYPRODUCT OF ANAL SEX?"

Former Senator and presidential candidate Rick Santorum complained about what turns up when you put his name in a Google search.

 

 

AND NEXT, WE'LL REDEFINE "POOR" AND ELIMINATE FOOD STAMPS

House Republicans tried to redefine "rape" to eliminate funding for abortions

 

OH WELL, THERE GOES THE SEASON

Stanford University stopped giving student athletes special lists of easy classes

 

DONALD -- YOU'RE FIRED

Donald Trump tried to host a presidential debate but gave up when nobody wanted to be there.

 

THIS FROM A MAN WITH "INVENTED" INTEGRITY

Gingrich called the Palestinians an "invented" people.

 

GOOD THING ABOUT THE CRACK -- THAT SHIT FUCKS UP YOUR BRAIN

Charlie Sheen opened his Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour in Detroit, where he burned a Two and A Half Men T-shirt, told the crowd that he was "finally here to identify and train the Vatican assassin locked inside each and every one of you," demanded "freedom from monkey-eyed&ldots;sweat-eating whores," and said he doesn't do crack anymore.