Presenting the 2012 Off-Guard awards for the worst of a dismal yaer
1. Divine providence rape (Rick Santorum): "The right approach is to accept this horribly created .. gift of life, accept what God is giving to you."
2. Honest Rape (Ron Paul): "If it was an honest rape, that individual should go immediately to the emergency room."
3. Forcible Rape (Paul Ryan): Federal law should prevent abortion except in the case of "forcible rape."
4. Emergency Rape (Linda McMahon): "It was really an issue about a Catholic Church being forced to issue those pills if a person came in with an emergency rape."
5. Legitimate Rape: (Todd Akin): "If it was a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."
CALL IT BIEBER RAGE; IT'S DANGEROUS SHIT
After a Justin Bieber concert, Lindsay Lohan punched a psychic in the face at a New York nightclub, then threw her personal assistant out of the car.
YEP, AND IT DOESN'T LOOK ANY BETTER THE SECOND TIME
Romney's campaign manager said that his candidate would change his right-wing positions for the fall campaign: "It's almost like an Etch-A-Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and we start all over again."
AND IF HE GOES WITH THEM, IT WILL ALL BE WORTH WHILE
Newt Gingrich proposed sending 13,000 Americans to the Moon and creating a new state there.
AND WE ALL WONDER WHY THE MEDIA IS DOING SO SMASHINGLY WELL THESE DAYS
After Gabby Douglas became the first black woman to win the Olympic gold medal in all-around gymnastics, the news media reported on problems with her hair.
AND YOUR VIEW OF THE WORLD IS OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER
Justice Antonin Scalia, in defending his argument that sodomy is legally equivalent to murder, told law students at Princeton that the Constitution is not a living document, it's "dead, dead, dead, dead."
MAKES YOU WONDER ABOUT THE POOR SOUL WHO CAME IN AT 99
Kim Kardashian fell 90 places, to 98, on AskMen Magazine's list of the worlds 100 most desirable women.
SADLY, "GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL" DOESN'T MAKE SUCH A GREAT CAMPAIGN SLOGAN
Herman Cain said his life's philosophy came from a Pokemon song.
WE'RE GLAD THAT HIS FAITH HAS GIVEN HIM SUCH AN UPLIFTING ATTITUDE
Romney said he's "not concerned about the very poor."
HE WAS PROBABLY SHITFACED, TOO, BUT SINCE HE DOESN'T DRINK HE CAN'T REMEMBER THAT EITHER
Romney said he didn't remember beating up a gay student at his prep school and cutting off his long hair.
IT'S A GOOD THING MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL ISN'T LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOHN MADDEN
A full 78 percent of Americans thought Ryan Seacrest was doing a good job broadcasting from the Olympics, although most of them couldn't figure out what he was actually doing.
HE ALSO TOLD US THAT TAX CUTS AND DEREGULATION WOULD IMPROVE THE ECONOMY, SO HE'S GOT A WINNING RECORD HERE
Karl Rove on election night kept insisting the Romney still had a chance to win.