Presenting the 2012 Off-Guard awards for the worst of a dismal yaer
TALK ABOUT A BLOWN COVER
David Petraus resigned as CIA director after an affair with a woman who was threatening another woman who might have had a thing for him.
TOO BAD — HE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO SEEK ASYLUM IN THE NEW REPUBLIC OF TEXAS
A petition to allow every American to punch Grover Norquist in the dick was removed from the White House website.
WE'RE WITH THE GOVERNMENT OF BELIZE; THIS MAN IS "BONKERS"
One-time software mogul John McAfee fled Belize claiming the cops would persecute him after he was sought for questioning in the shooting death of his neighbor — using a body double, faking a heart attack, pretending he was crazy, and winding up in Miami.
IT SUCKS TO BE STINKING RICH AND OWN FOUR HOUSES AND HAVE TO LIVE WITH REJECTION
Ann Romney was deeply depressed that her husband didn't win the election, telling friends she though it was their fate to move into the White House.
AND WHEN ASKED IF SOMEONE THAT MORONIC COULD ACTUALLY RUN FOR PRESIDENT, HE SAID "I'M A REPUBLICAN, MAN"
Marco Rubio, when asked about the age of the Earth, said "I'm not a scientist, man."
EASY — THE ONES WHO ARE GETTING PAID ARE THE ONES PRETENDING TO BE INTERESTED IN NASTY OLD FRENCHMEN
After Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held overnight in Lille to be questioned about possible connections between a prostitution ring and orgies he attended in Paris and Washington, his lawyer said: "I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other woman."
DUDE — THAT'S THE TERRITORY OF SERIOUS LOSERS
Vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan lied about his time in the marathon.
GO AHEAD, CLINT — MAKE OUR DAY
Surprise guest speaker Clint Eastwood addressed GOP convention delegates for 12 minutes, during which he carried on an imagined dialogue with an empty chair he identified as President Obama.
AND YES, HE DID GET A FAIR AMOUNT OF THE STUPIDITY VOTE
Santorum told a gathering of conservatives in Washington, "We will never have the elite, smart people on our side."