AMERICA'S NATIONAL GUARD troops are on the forefront of the country's war against terror; you know that because you've seen them looking pretty damn alert at the airport, sporting jungle camouflage so effective that they look like potted plants. And how about those soldiers on the Bay Bridge, sitting in their jeeps eating snacks and waving to commuters. You can bet we took it hard when we heard about National Guard specialist Louis E. Alvarez, who shot himself in the butt Dec. 28 at San Francisco International Airport while taking off his gun. You can bet your ass that his hurt like hell. Which is why we are sponsoring our first and maybe last annual War Against Terrorism No Contest. Write and record a song honoring the man who tore himself a new asshole to keep us free. Win a photo op and interview to be printed in the Bay Guardian music section. Entrants may also receive an FBI file documenting this and other activities. Send a CD or cassette to the No Contest, Music editor, San Francisco Bay Guardian, 520 Hampshire St., S.F., CA 94110. (J.H. Tompkins)