alt.sex.column

By Andrea Nemerson

DEAR ANDREA: I'll be 30 this spring, and after 15 years of an active sex life (straight and lesbian, singles and groups, bondage and "normal" ... trust me, I've tried it all) I finally (finally!) had my first orgasm about six months ago. Absolutely the first one – never even managed to have one through masturbating before. It was, admittedly, rather spectacular, and I was surprised (pleasantly so). I got a bad case of the giggles and started crying at the same time, a bit of emotional release that startled my partner quite a bit. I have two problems with this:

1. I have always been a faker, which is to say I lied and said I had one when I never did. So, honestly, I'd really like to tell my partner what a wonderful thing he's meant to me and how fabulous things are, but I have such a history of "sex is great, woo hoo" that I'm afraid he'd be upset if he knew that I'd been lying about it. We've been together for five years now.
2. I'm very aroused all the time now. I am nagging him for sex frequently, upward of three or four times a day, and while he's not exactly complaining, he's certainly a bit tired. Also, I've found myself masturbating at least once daily, if not two or three times. I'm concerned about this, or maybe I'm just trying to make up for the last 15 years.

Love,
Coming 'round the Mountain

Dear Mountain:
If I'm the first person you've told, then let me be the first to congratulate you. This is quite a milestone.

I shall try to squelch my natural inclination to shake my finger in your face and tsk, "You shouldn't have faked it in the first place." I know you shouldn't have, you know you shouldn't have, and look where it got you, young lady! (Oops, I just did it, didn't I?) You do have some damage that needs controlling, though, so let's get to it.

Your worries are well founded; your sweetie will be chagrined (at best) or pissed off (at worst) to find you've been lying to him. Whether or not to fess up will depend on what sort of sweetie he is and what sort of relationship you share. If he's easygoing, and you tend to be honest with each other even when the truth is less than flattering, go for it. It will be awkward, it will be icky, and it will be over. Trust me: he's already noticed that something is a little odd lately. He'll feel better when he knows what (other than the obvious) has gotten into you.

If you don't think that's going to fly, there's a sort of little half-lie that might. (Oh pleeaase, people, don't write and tell me that lying is always wrong. Nothing is always anything.) You could tell him that you thought you were coming all this time, and you guess you were, but this was some big breakthrough – you never thought it could feel like that! – and now you realize what you were missing, yada yada yada. This actually happens. He'll probably believe you. But avoid the half-truths unless you're quite sure the whole truth is more trouble than it's worth.

Your second problem isn't a problem unless you say it is. Yes, your libido is currently on the (very) high side, and yes, I think you're making up for lost time. No, this is not an unreasonable reaction under the circumstances. Think about it: you've been trying to finish something say, running the marathon for 15 years. This year you finally finished. Is it any wonder that running the marathon is now more fun than ever before? Of course not. I do hope, for your sake and also for all those men, women, mixed doubles, tops, and bottoms, that you were enjoying all that sex you were having all those years. I'd hate to think of you grimly soldiering on, smiling bravely, through act after boring, frustrating act. Sex without orgasm can be hot, fun, even satisfying, although I don't think I can make a case for it being quite as hot, fun, and satisfying as sex with. Not for 15 years, at any rate. Welcome to the club.

Love,

Andrea