DEAR ANDREA: Is there any surgery I can get to make my tongue longer – e.g., snipping the bit underneath that seems to hold it in? It would help me and my partner.
Love, Tongue Tied

Dear Tied:
Funny you should ask. No, I mean that literally – it really is funny, and believe it or not, this happens to be a subject of some personal interest to me.

The "bit underneath," like other bits of webbing distributed randomly about the body, is called the frenulum, in this case the lingual frenulum. It doesn't so much hold the tongue in as hold it down, although I suppose that's a matter of interpretation. It's not uncommon for a baby to be born with ankyloglossia, or "tongue-tie" (yep, that's the source of the term), with a frenulum too short, too thick, or extending too far forward to allow the tongue a full range of movement. Minor cases are left alone; more serious ones, which interfere with the baby's ability to suckle, are fixed with surgery. So we know that it's possible to free up some extra tongue with a frenectomy or frenotomy, at least when the frenulum is weird to begin with.

That part of the research was easy. There's far less written about adult, voluntary severing of the frenulum, and some of what there is comes from questionable sources. What I can tell you is that the operation does indeed exist; it's quick and nearly painless, and it's much easier to find a reputable surgeon willing to perform one than it is to get yourself surgically castrated, say, or have a limb removed. There are people out there doing those procedures and more, but you didn't ask about them, and I am fine with that.

So, does it work? Will the new, postsurgical you be able to touch your tongue to your nose (or whatever it was you had in mind)? Big shrug. Maybe. Dunno. In my limited but very personal experience of frenectomy, the answer is no, but then mine was neither surgical nor voluntary.

Yes, I said what you thought I said. I haven't much frenulum to speak of, and in fact, I rarely speak of it at all, except when I'm teaching and someone asks, "I've heard there's no such thing as a permanent sex injury. Is that true?" Uh, that would be nice, but no. Let's say that long ago you had a couple of playmates, a longtime couple, and you were doing what we will refer to decorously as "roughhousing." Imagine that the male half of said couple thought it clever to ball up a bandanna and shove it in your mouth as an impromptu ball gag, but missed, jamming both cloth and fist under your tongue instead of over. Rip, rend, instant frenectomy. Imagine that many epithets were spit in clumsy oaf's direction, along with gouts of blood (mouth injuries being extremely gory). Abject apologies were offered and grudgingly accepted. The evening's festivities ended with less of a bang than a whimper. You get the picture. Except, remember how there were two playmates, the oaf and his longtime companion? Well, she was so shocked she was sputtering. It took her a moment to get the words out, but when she did, they were "Jeeezus, ________! I can't believe you did it again!" Yep. Her oaf-inflicted injury, acquired some years prior and obviously permanent, was identical to mine. We were the Frenectomy Twins.

So there you have it. I have a severed frenulum, and I cannot perform any extraordinary feats of flexibility or reach with what remains. One assumes that a surgeon, armed with better tools than a dirty rag and rotten aim, would make a deeper, cleaner cut, which (I've heard) might add an inch or so.