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by andrea nemerson

Girls talk

DEAR ANDREA: I'm a lesbian who has been in a relationship for nine months. We don't agree on sex. She likes it one to four times a month; I like it three times a week. She doesn't show any passion for me. Sometimes she won't even look at me. She likes to receive but not give. She decides when, she decides where, she decides how. I want make-up sex after a fight; she cuts me off for weeks.

I've tried talking about it, but she thinks anything that isn't positive about her degrades her, and therefore I'm hurting her by expressing my needs. I've tried communicating. I've tried being aggressive. She just doesn't seem to care how I feel.

I've decided the best thing to do is cut off my own desire for sex. If I find myself wanting sex as we lay together at night, I count to 100 as many times as it takes until I fall asleep. If something about sex comes on the radio or TV, I switch the station (I don't watch much TV or listen to the radio anymore). But this resolution has its bad sides. Now, on the rare occasion she does want sex, I've turned off my own desire so much it doesn't even feel good anymore. I love and respect her very much. We are very much in love, and we want to spend our future together, but I don't want our sex life to be like this.

I don't know what else I can do have a healthy and exciting sex life.


What Do I Do?

Dear What:

"But this resolution has its bad sides." No, really? Did you mean the part where you must sublimate your most basic human desires? Or where you allow your beloved to bully you into believing that you're oppressing her with your nasty, brutish physical affection? I'm particularly concerned about her insistence that you're "hurting her" when you simply attempt to talk about it. Are you slapping her around or calling her a stupid bitch as you attempt to express your needs? Didn't think so. This is not healthy; you're both grownups and you ought to be able to discuss this without anyone crying abuse.

There is far more going on here than a difference in libido – she has you where she wants you, and she has little incentive to change. If she won't even discuss the problem, let alone try to do anything about it, then I think we both know what you need to do to achieve a healthy and exciting sex life. You're just not going to want to hear it.



Dear Andrea:

I'm with my first girlfriend, and we're terribly in love. We've both only had sex with guys previously and are both getting a bit tired of what we can do. I want to fuck her brains out, and I do try! Lately I've started to give up, since her response has died down a lot since we started. I know we need to talk, but it's hard to do.

I'm not much into strap-ons and other foreign objects. I'm willing to try for her, however; it just really isn't how I want to see her.

Women aren't supposed to have penises, in my mind. But last night she was so frustrated, I caught her sneaking out of bed to use her vibrator. I feel inadequate.


What Now?

Dear What:

You're not inadequate, you just need to get over your shyness and ask her some questions before things get any worse. Does she know what would help her to come? Does she even want a strap-on? Who would wear it, and to do what? Would she like to hand that vibrator to you, or does she need the alone time?

How you want to see her and who she really is may not be a perfect match. They rarely are. If she does want you to strap on, try to remember that that doesn't mean she wants a penis. She could have one of those if she wanted one. What she wants (we hope) is you, the one she loves, and whatever accoutrements seem appealing. If you're running out of ideas, Felice Newman (The Whole Lesbian Sex Book) and Karlyn Lotney (The Ultimate Guide To Strap-On Sex) rarely do.



You can reach Andrea at alt.sex.column, Bay Guardian, 520 Hampshire St., S.F., CA 94110; andrea@altsexcolumn.com.