DEAR ANDREA: I've never been able to come while my girlfriend performs oral sex on me during our entire six-year-plus relationship. This isn't the first time I've had this problem. Of the 20 or so girlfriends I've had in my life, only one – the first – has been able to make me ejaculate by giving head. My problem is twofold: I don't get it, and now she won't give head anymore because she says it's a lost cause. Is it me, or can none of these women give good head? I try to explain how to do it, what I like, but it never works. FYI: I perform more than my share on her, so it's not an issue of me not pleasuring her.

Love, No Dice

Dear Dice:

The very first answer that comes to mind is kind of a shocker: not everybody comes from oral sex. Period. In fact, there are plenty of people who actually find the sensations distasteful or dull and would just as soon skip the whole thing. And then there are all the folks who like it fine but are just not going to reach orgasm that way. Many have some psychological block (feeling guilty or unworthy of the attention, fear of offending, who knows); others just aren't getting the exact stimulation they need to reach orgasm. All of these are fairly common scenarios, so if you were feeling like a freak, don't.

You're probably one of the latter sort, for whom mouths just don't supply the amount of friction or pressure they need to get off. Yes, yes, I remember about your first girlfriend and your first, super-exciting, omigod-I-can't-believe-this-is-really-happening blow jobs. That didn't count. At any rate, it isn't all that unusual to need a little more. Some people are just wired that way; some have more or less wired themselves by diligent application of more than enough pressure and friction back when they were first in training. Many teenagers – mostly but not exclusively boys – jack off so hard and so quickly that they will require retraining later in life in order to respond to anything less intense. Few sex acts supply anything like as much friction as a fast-moving fist. If this sounds like you, you've got two choices: try to retrain yourself to respond to gentler stimulation (probably through masturbation), or try to re-create the sensations that do make you come. Alternating hands (hers or yours, doesn't matter) with mouth may help.

If you'd just clarified one little thing in your letter ("I try to explain how to do it, what I like, but it never works"), I would have been able to be a bit less equivocal in my answer. Do you try to explain what you like, but she won't take direction, or does she do as you suggest, and it still doesn't work? If she's following your suggestions, and you still aren't coming, I have a new suggestion: give up.

Wait, come back! I didn't mean it that way. I meant give up expecting to come from oral sex; just enjoy what feels good and then move on, at your leisure, to something that gets you off. It may sound defeatist, but trust me, it's a good sight better than dreading blow jobs because they "don't work" or – even worse – starting to dislike your body because it doesn't work. It works, just maybe not exactly the way you want it to. This is true of everyone but highly athletic 18-year-old boys with ejaculatory control and no zits – no, I take that back. Nobody's body actually works exactly the way they want it to.

And now the part that's really bothering me: I don't like the sound of that "lost cause" business. No sir, I don't. I know your girlfriend would enjoy making you come and that boyfriend's orgasm was probably a big part of the oral sex-giving she used to do, but that just ain't happening. If you explained to her that you may not come but intend to enjoy every minute anyway, do you think she'd change her mind? Right now she feels like she's failing, which can't be any fun. And I don't mean you should take the "blame" off her only to take it on yourself. I mean there isn't any blame to begin with.

Love, Andrea

You can reach Andrea at alt.sex.column, Bay Guardian, 520 Hampshire St., S.F., CA 94110 or andrea@altsexcolumn.com