DEAR ANDREA: I was wondering if ball stretchers are effective. It seems fairly clear that penis-enhancement schemes short of surgery are not.

Love, Stretch

Dear Stretch:

Thanks for saying the bit about nonsurgical methods so I don't have to. It does get tiresome to hear myself saying the same old thing all the time. It's also not precisely true – body parts are stretchy, especially the sort with no bones. Whether in National Geographic or while sipping chai latte at an Internet café, you've probably seen earlobes stretched till they hang chin-length or longer. The penis, while not nearly as malleable as an earlobe, may be induced to stretch a bit under certain extreme conditions. Those stretching devices sold all over the Web may produce some slight increase in length over time. But there's no proof that any length gained will show up where it might be useful, in the length of the erect penis.

Sorry. You asked if ball stretchers are effective, and I asked, what for? To instantly create the sensation of low-hanging, free-swinging testes, they are very effective indeed. For the uninitiated, we're talking about various strap-, ring-, or parachute-shaped devices, some simple, some complex, and some nearly inexplicable – see www.stockroom.com/b010.htm. Short-term, of course they work. Long-term, well, you'd have to wear one of the weighted ones, and you'd have to wear it a lot. You'd also have to be careful not to strain or twist any delicate structures running through the vicinity, but yes, if for some reason you simply must have low-hanging balls, you can have 'em.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea,

I've recently been enjoying having my wife push down from the top on my testicles away from my penis while giving me a blow job. I've never noticed any discomfort during or afterward. Could I be doing any long-term damage to myself? If not, are there any toys available to assist in this? I've seen pictures of leather-type stretchers before that basically seem to separate your sack from your penis. Does one size fit all? Thanks!

Love, Stretchy

Dear Stretchy:

Don't be coy. You already knew there were toys available or you wouldn't have asked. One size fits all, within reason, but you may need to experiment to find what style will produce whatever that sensation is that you're seeking.

Once again, this sort of thing isn't particularly dangerous unless you lack common sense or do most of your sex play dead drunk. Pay attention, and if it hurts, stop. And remember that pulling straight down is usually OK but twisting isn't. A testicular torsion injury is one of the most painful, long-lasting, and – of course – humiliating damned-fool things you can do to yourself.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea:

I was giving a guy a blow job who had a Prince Albert and frenulum penis piercing. I wasn't sure what to do with either piercing, but especially the frenulum. Are you supposed to just ignore it since it's to pleasure the female during sex ... or should you play with it?

Love, Curious Cat

Dear Cat:

While I'm confident that many women enjoy a nicely pierced frenulum, nearly every reference I found to "frenulum piercing + pleasure" on the Web turned out to be about male pleasure. Not surprising when you realize that the underside of the glans, for many men already the most sensitive part of a very sensitive area, is getting a continuous massage. One assumes that jiggling, pushing, or gently pulling on the barbell would only add to the effect. A Prince Albert (a ring or bar through the tip and out the urethra) is largely decorative, but some men enjoy some tugging there too. While you were going down on Mr. Metallic, did it ever occur to you to stop and actually ask him – in words – how he likes his hardware handled? It's not something you see every day, after all. A little curiosity is to be expected, isn't it?

Love, Andrea

You can reach Andrea at alt.sex.column, Bay Guardian, 520 Hampshire St., S.F., CA 94110 or andrea@altsexcolumn.com