DEAR ANDREA: I'm a 26-year-old virgin who has just started a relationship. I told him that I have slept with one other person because I didn't want him to be horrified/honored that he would be my first. I have masturbated with a cucumber for a couple of weeks, in hopes that he won't be able to detect that I lied. Do you think it's possible that he will be able to notice?

Love, Secret Virgin

Dear Secret:

Notice what? That you've been doing it with vegetables? That your previous boyfriend was also a vegetable? Probably not. That you've never had sex with an actual person? Doubt it. That you're nervous as hell and probably lying about something, even if he can't tell what? Very likely, yes.

I can see why you'd want to avoid some humiliating defloration ceremony with strewing of rose petals and hanging out of bloodstained sheets. This is not a modern girl's idea of fun. And I can see not wanting to overwhelm him with the responsibility of being your first. That also has major no-fun possibilities. Too bad, though. No matter how desperately you may want to avoid both muss and fuss, you may not lie to your new sweetie about this. It may seem like one simple, white little lie, but – at the risk of sounding like your mother – one lie leads to another. Before you know it, you'll find yourself comparing him (favorably, of course) with your previous partner. Then you'll have to come up with a name (I suggest "Luke" – it rhymes with "cuke," so it should be easy to remember) and figure out when you got together, when you broke up, and why. Eventually you'll make a mistake and have to fess up, and your real, nonvegetable boyfriend will have to wonder just how nuts you really are. Admitting you're still a virgin cannot possibly be as embarrassing as confessing that Luke, while admittedly well hung, was also short, stupid, and unpleasantly cold except when you remembered to take him out of the crisper an hour or so before you needed him.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea:

I was just wondering how to please a woman best in bed. I mean what to touch, when to touch, how to touch, and also what to say. The few women I have been with have told me I am the best they had been with, and their actions have dictated that as well. But then again, you can't really get inside someone's head to see if that really is the truth and also how many other people they have said that to. Anyway, I feel I do a good and satisfying job at it, but I just want to make sure I am doing the absolute best thing I can for whomever it is I decide to be with. I just want to be as perfect at everything as I can be.

Love, Trying to be Perfect

Dear Trying:

Well, don't. Trying to be perfect can only lead to disappointment. There is no such thing as perfection, not on this plane of existence, anyway. And that's only the first problem with your question.

No one can tell you what to say or what, how, or when to touch. No one can tell you how best to please women in bed. Not even I can tell you, and I do know everything, just as you suspected. I can't tell you the answer because there isn't one.

I'm not contending that no one can ever tell you how best to please a particular woman, mind you. Any particular woman can tell you exactly what, where, when, and how to touch her, and throw in what she wants you to say for good measure. In order to gain enlightenment, though, you will have to give up this idea that you can be the perfect lover, or even that anyone wants you to.

Catching a man putting on a performance (being the "perfect" lover) just isn't that much of a turn-on. In fact, it's annoying. Your average woman would far prefer to believe you're paying attention to her unique body and this unique moment to feeling like you're using her as material for your ultimate lover act. You're doing stuff. Your partners like it. Keep doing that and stop worrying about perfection. "Very, very good" is good enough.

Love, Andrea

You can reach Andrea at alt.sex.column, Bay Guardian, 520 Hampshire St., S.F., CA 94110 or andrea@altsexcolumn.com