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by andrea nemerson

External use

DEAR ANDREA: My roommate received a piece of digital video that apparently showed a man putting his entire bald head into a woman's vagina. He thinks that it must be faked and that this act is physically impossible. As a woman, I say you can never underestimate the capacity of a pussy, and if you can get a baby out, you can get a head in – not that I'd want to! Who's right? We have money riding on this.

Love, Betty

Dear Bet:

Everyone says, "Hey, they can get a baby through there, so why not this?," but they forget about all the ligament-loosening, pubic symphysis-spreading body changes women actually go through preparturition. They forget that birth can be so painful it requires a spinal block and is occasionally fatal. All that aside, sure.

I have seen an (obviously faked) picture of this, and if you really look, you can see that the man's head is wider than her pelvis and could not possibly fit in there without breaking bone. Pussies are stretchy but not infinitely stretchy, and huge as they are, baby heads are nothing compared with big, bald, porn-guy heads. Oh, and there's the breathing issue. He can't.

All in all, I'd bet against you, but I think I won't. I have been surprised before at what can be done, and if it can be done, it has been done.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My wife and I love anal, and we want to know if Icy Hot is safe as a lube. We've used it externally, but we're not sure if it's safe internally.

Love, Analweds

Dear 'Weds:

I presume you mean the Icy Hot you slather on after one of those overambitious workouts you hope will snap you back into shape after months of vegging on the couch? Do I think it wise to stick a gob of menthol, camphor, and eucalyptus up your asses? Uh, no. So sorry.

Dude, I seriously hope you waited for my reply before trying this at home. It's true that some people do use those sports creams (externally!) for the pleasure/pain they can produce. I did once hear about a couple who were doing just that – going for the burn on her external parts – when some goop managed to insinuate itself into her urethra. No, there was no permanent damage, but she spent the next six hours in the bath going "Ow ow ow," instead of in bed with him going "Ooh" and "Ah." If you've ever rubbed your eye after handling that stuff, you should already know that menthol et al and mucus membranes do not mix, but I guess you've been lucky so far. Stay that way.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea:

Egg white makes a good, available, and cheap vaginal lubricant. Add some Close-Up toothpaste for a little zip.

Love, Handy Hints

Dear Hints:

I didn't put out a general call for unusual substances to put up your pussy, did I? You'd think I'd remember doing something like that.

There's actually more literature on this subject than you might think. If you'll bear with me (this gets kind of gamy), I'll get to the point.

Women who are trying to get pregnant often track their cervical fluid. If sperms are going to get anywhere, they have to have something to swim in, and the wetter the better. The most fertile stuff is called "egg white," for its strong resemblance to same, and sometimes there just isn't enough to get the job done. So, actual chicken-and-egg egg whites to the rescue. Keep in mind that the same people who fear the raw eggs in Caesar salad are going to be squeamish about applying them anywhere else.

The toothpaste strikes me as unwholesome but harmless in small amounts. Now what in the world inspired you to roll your own lube, when there's so much commercial stuff available? I'm imagining you and your partner on a ranch in Montana, hours from the nearest store, but I've always had an active imagination.

Love, Andrea

You can reach Andrea at alt.sex.column, Bay Guardian, 520 Hampshire St., S.F., CA 94110 or andrea@altsexcolumn.com

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