April 24, 2002
Arts and Entertainment
DEAR READERS: I didn't get to write an April Fools column this year. Nor did I manage one of those "end-of-the-year clearance sale" types, where I throw in stuff I'd usually throw away. How about one full of letters that annoy the crap out of me but that for some obscure reason I could not bring myself to delete? Doesn't that sound like a good theme? Good. Here goes:
I would like to make my girlfriend sleep and make love with her. Do you have the name of a pill to make her sleep?
I do, actually. Quite a few. But while I have nothing against a couple playing whatever weird little pseudonecrophiliac game they choose if it gets them off, the operative word is "them." When I hear from your girlfriend that she can't wait to pass out so you may molest her, I'll let you know.
I have always wanted to give my wife a golden shower. She gave me one once. Does anyone else do this kind of thing, or am I just crazy?
Let's look at this carefully. The behavior (peeing on each other) has a name ("golden shower"), a substantial body of literature, a section in your local porn store, and no less than 115,000 results returned on a cursory Web search. So the chances that you are the only ones who do or wish to do this are remote. This suggests to me that you are either (a) too dumb to deserve to piss on your wife or (b) yanking my chain. If you are neither, I grant you permission. Go forth and pee.
My partner and I are having a serious disagreement over what he refers to as "wasting food." Now and then we mutually enjoy erotic anal banana play with each other, and all is fine until later. He thinks nothing of peeling and eating the bananas that we have used on each other. He says after it's peeled it doesn't matter. I say that's not my idea of a chocolate-covered banana. I'm tired of our hot sexual interludes ending with him yelling, "There are kids starving in China, you know!" Please settle this dispute for us.
Love, Annie Banannie
Yuck. I don't want to settle your dispute. I don't even want to talk to you. Although, on second thought, it isn't you, it's your boyfriend who offends. Although, on third thought, it probably isn't either one of you, as I seriously doubt that either one of you has ever done anything of the kind. Nope. Never happened. Bananas, with their rough, pointy ends and notoriously slippery skins, make excellent prop-humor fodder but lousy sex toys. As I think you know. And nobody says, "There are children starving in China" anymore except my mother, and she's joking. I feel better about you both already, because, well, if this ever actually did happen, it would be completely inexcusable. But to ensure that it never will happen, I suggest that you trundle yourselves off forthwith to your favorite toy store, physical or virtual, and buy a selection of toys that he won't be tempted to eat.
Thongs or panties? What's wrong with a guy liking such an item? I just enjoy it. Can you explain such a fetish and how common it is within human society?
Love, Mantie Man
Nobody knows, but I'm willing to bet that it's a lot more common in Western, industrialized nations than in any of the places where everyone wears sarongs, say, or penis sheaths. Nobody knows why, either.
Why not, you say? Well, it's not the sort of thing people are likely to admit to telephone pollsters. The other reason nobody knows how often your fetish occurs is that nobody except pantie-wearers (and the occasional partner) actually gives a fuck.
You can reach Andrea at alt.sex.column, Bay Guardian, 520 Hampshire
St., S.F., CA 94110, or email@example.com.