DEAR ANDREA: My wife and I are out of sync. She is happy in our marriage and affectionate outside the bedroom, but in bed she rarely is. She's always too sleepy or says I waited too long to come to bed. She doesn't like it in the morning. She knows how much I want it, but she doesn't make any special effort. We go weeks or sometimes more than a month without making love. I end up with an uncontrollable anger that lasts for days. Then I slip into a depression for a while. After a week I get over it. This is exhausting. It affects my work and my relationship with my wife and our children. Is there something I can take to dull my sex drive? Something herbal or prescription that will get me out of this cycle? I love my wife and just don't want to go through these peaks and valleys.

Love, In the Dumps

Dear Dumps:

Don't be a martyr. I know this is a bummer and you want it to change, but you cannot take it all upon yourself. You aren't a bad person for wanting to have sex with the woman you love, and giving up is not the only course of action available. Martyrdom isn't really as noble as it sounds, and it won't work, anyway. However it began, this is now a mutual problem and will require a mutual solution.

My first question is so obvious I shouldn't have to ask it, but – have you two even talked about this? And I don't mean the conversations where you say, "Please?," and she says, "No." You need to know what (if anything) she feels is missing when you do have sex, and what (if anything) you could do to make the prospect more appealing. Perhaps she isn't having orgasms. Maybe she's sad or worn down or just needs a romantic afternoon away from the kids. No? OK then – have you tried coming to bed a little earlier? That sounds like the simplest accommodation you could possibly make, and if that's all it takes, you owe me lunch. If not, you guys need professional help, the sooner the better.

There actually are pills that do what you're looking for – SSRIs like Prozac and Paxil often lower the libido, but more to the point, they're antidepressants and you're depressed. This probably isn't clinical, chemical depression, though – just a set of depressing circumstances. You could go get yourself some happy pills, but you might be even happier if you actually worked on the problem instead. Together.

Love, Andrea

Hi Andrea,

I'm 20 years old and have been with my fiancé for two years. It's only been sexual for the past six months. I have a much stronger sex drive than he does, and it's really become a big problem. We've talked about it, and he says it's because his ex made him feel guilty when he wanted to have sex, so they only did it twice. He also says he's afraid I'll get pregnant even though we always use protection. It makes me feel like he's just not attracted to me, and he hates that I feel that way. The last fight we had over this, I ended up telling him I wanted to take a break from having sex altogether because I was sick of feeling bad about it. Was that stupid? I told him maybe he should think about getting help, but I don't think that's going to happen. My biggest fear was that I'd end up in a relationship where we'd never have sex, but it feels like we're already at that point, and we're not even married yet! Please help me! I don't have any idea of what I can do!

Love, Frantic!

Dear Fran:

Don't panic! I will help you! Unfortunately, you will not like what I have to say!

Honey, you cannot marry this guy, at least not unless you've gone through extensive (and successful) couples counseling first. I'm really sorry, but I'm also right. You are already having the sort of fights that married couples have about seven years in, provided they make any number of common mistakes along the way. I can't bear to think of you starting out already frustrated and miserable. Plenty of time for that later.