DEAR ANDREA: Me and my girl were getting pretty wild last night, and we decided to have anal sex. So I lubed up and went to town. After a while I had that sensation, so I came inside her butt. My question is, can she get pregnant from me ejaculating in her butt? Also, after we were done, she had some serious pains in her butt. What do you think those were?

Love, Having Regrets

Dear Regrets: Those were cramps or slight bruising or merely a sort of surprised response from nerve endings never previously stimulated. If the pain was minor and gone in the morning, there's nothing to worry about. Bleeding, nausea, or severe cramping after anal intercourse usually indicates an emergency; pain that comes and then goes most likely does not. Next time you "go to town," though, observe the speed limit. Slow down! You'll both get there more safely.

Now about your first question: um, are you sure you're old enough to have sex? I mean, honestly, how old are most kids when they get the "daddy's seeds go in my mommy's vagina and make a baby" talk? There is no "daddy's seeds go into mommy's anus and make a baby" talk, and for good reason.

To make someone pregnant, the sperm must reach the fallopian tubes. The only way there is through the vagina. Not the rectum, not the mouth, not the ears – it's all about the vagina. If they (your parents, your school, your dirty-minded slightly older cousins) taught you nothing else, I would think they'd have taught you this. Anal sex can be hazardous under certain circumstances, but there is no danger of pregnancy.

Assuming you're still in high school, I despair of the state of sex education in this country. If you're older than that, I despair of too many things to mention.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My boyfriend and I have been sexually active for about three months now, and he wants to try anal sex. I am totally against it because I feel that's what homosexual men do. I want to make my boyfriend happy, but I just don't think I can go along with anal sex. Is there anything else we could do that would be along the same lines as anal sex?

Love, Grossed Out

Dear Out: Do you have anything that's along the same lines as an anus?

If you don't want to try anal sex, don't try it. That's your prerogative. Eschewing it because "that's what homosexual men do" is rather unenlightened, though, wouldn't you say? First of all, many gay men do nothing of the kind, and second, so what? You may not wish to be a homosexual man, but seeing as you are currently a woman, your chances of becoming a man by accident are slim. Any butt sex involving you, your boyfriend, and nobody else will be hetero butt sex. Hope that helps.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I've wanted to experience a woman using a strap-on on me, but every one I have seen has been too wide for me to feel comfortable with. I would preferably like something less than one inch in width and soft and flexible. Where could I go to find this?

And also, is there any danger of damage inside from having one used on me?

Love, Trepidatious

Dear Trep: I'm beginning to think there's something about anal sex – wait, no, simply talking about anal sex – that makes people lose focus, if not actual I.Q. points. I mean, you were online when you wrote to me (or at least when you hit "send"), but you didn't think to have a look around while you were there? If you want to find the absolutely perfect accessory to stick up your butt, the Web is your friend. Stores like Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com) and Blowfish (www.blowfish.com) will sell you your heart's desire, or anything your organs happen to be craving. No one will make you purchase anything larger than you're comfortable with.

Can you hurt yourself? No, not really. A cute, well-lubed little dildo or butt plug no wider than a finger (make sure you know the difference between circumference and diameter before ordering) cannot possibly hurt you unless you swallow it or shove it up your nose.