June 05, 2002




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Archives | Andrea's Website | Ask Andrea

by andrea nemerson


DEAR ANDREA: I'm really turned on by scat and have tried it with my partner once or twice. He loves to see me so turned on and says he enjoys it in the heat of the moment. We fantasize about it together a lot. Unfortunately, the aftermath and the smell are just too much for him, and we're trying to think of techniques to reduce the effects or to help him avoid them (holding his nose seems to spoil the moment). Any suggestions?

Love, Stinky

Dear Stinky: Oh dear. Not really. It's only natural to be disgusted when confronted by something, well, disgusting, and we are talking about getting smeared with shit here. I doubt he'll be getting over his reaction anytime soon. Have you considered simply watching scat porn together? You'd get turned on, he'd get the benefit of your turn-on, and nobody would have to change the sheets. If you're looking for a somewhat less tidy but equally inoffensive option, there's always chocolate pudding or some other look-alike.

I can do no more. Have you taken a good look at your diet(s)? I'm sure someone could come up with some suggestions for foods to avoid, but in the words of one of my all-time favorite fictional characters, I'd prefer not to.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I don't think my problem is common. I don't enjoy any part of sexual anything. Even sex itself. It doesn't even feel good. It just feels the same as if it weren't happening. I don't know what is wrong with me – maybe I lack sex hormones, or I'm missing a body part. Any ideas?

Love, Leaves Me Cold

Dear Cold: Low sex drive is more common than you'd think, although undetectable sex drive coupled with total lack of sexual response is not. So what could be wrong? Missing or unbalanced hormones are a possibility; a missing body part is not. There is no single organ whose absence could explain your predicament – except, I suppose, the brain. Ruling that out, we're left with an endocrine problem, a neurotransmitter problem (depression?), or some sort of childhood trauma. Good doctors and the patience to slog through a number of treatment options may well turn up a solution. I want you to know, though, that you are under no obligation to feel sexual desire or engage in sexual activity if you're simply not interested. You, too, are allowed to say "I prefer not to."

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I'm an ex-lesbian, and I used to have a girlfriend. We broke up more than a year ago, and I am unhappy with the way I treated her. I cheated on her from the week we were first together, only once with another female. The rest of my lovers were males. Should I tell her? She does know I slept with one other person while we were together.

Love, Sorry I Lied

Dear Sorry: I'm sorry you lied too, but what's done is done. It's possible that your ex has by now recovered from what was no doubt a most unsatisfactory relationship followed by a devastating breakup. Any attempt now to relieve yourself of guilt for your bad behavior then would be utterly self-serving, no matter how well-meant. In other words, you might feel better, but she will feel far worse, and for no good reason. I'd prefer you didn't.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My wife always asks me about my fantasies. I finally admitted I had a fantasy about being with a dominatrix. When I told her, she said she's not into that bondage stuff. I even went as far as buying her a booklet on female domination. She kept it but again expressed no interest. The thing is, though, she still asks me what I want to try in bed. Do you think I should keep trying?

Love, Hopeful

Dear Hope: She is waiting for you to come up with a fantasy she does wish to fulfill, so do try to come up with one. She has already expressed her opinion of dominating you: she would prefer not to.

Love, Andrea

You can reach Andrea at alt.sex.column, Bay Guardian, 520 Hampshire St., S.F., CA 94110, or andrea@altsexcolumn.com.