June 19, 2002


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alt.sex.column
Archives | Andrea's Website | Ask Andrea

by andrea nemerson


Sisyphus rocks

DEAR ANDREA: In regards to Grossed Out, who didn't want to have anal sex because "that's what homosexual men do." I think you were slightly off the mark when you told her she needn't worry about anal sex turning her into a homosexual man. I don't think she was really that dim a bulb, but almost. What she was really worried about was that having anal sex would make her boyfriend a gay man. This is the same kind of reasoning that leads people to believe that penetration equals homosexuality and therefore straight (real) men can't (shouldn't) be penetrated.

Anyway, thanks for setting her straight and pointing out that any male-female sex is by definition hetero, regardless of what gets put where.

Love, Put 'Er There

Dear There:

Uh, thanks, but are you sure you should be assessing the relative brightness of other people's bulbs and committing the results to print? That is to say, yes, I assured the young woman that butt sex wouldn't turn her into a gay dude, but you do realize I was joking, right?

Oh.

I cannot count the number of times I have made the point that anal sex does not a gay man make, to no avail. We sex educators are apparently doomed to keep rolling this particular boulder uphill for eternity. Oh well. I suppose it's better than getting my liver pecked out.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea:

What is scat?

Love, Confused

Dear Con:

Oh dear. Did I write an entire segment on why somebody's boyfriend might have a problem with scat, complete with suggestions for less-problematic scat, a reference to scat porn, and a scat joke or two, all without a definition (6/5/02)? And the part about getting smeared with shit didn't tip you off? I have been remiss. Sorry.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea:

My wonderful husband and I have great sex and love to experiment. We both very much want to try anal sex, and we have even gone so far as to try fingers. I love the feeling, and the orgasms are overwhelming. But I fear the pain and the "mess!" Is there anything you would recommend to avoid them? We are using lots of lube. I fear it is dangerous healthwise.

Love, Can't Wait

Dear Wait:

Wasn't it just last week that my correspondent mentioned her particular demographic, nice girls who like anal sex, was greatly underrepresented in the media? She was right, of course. My in-box, like everyone else's, is continually flooded with hotnastyteenanalsexsluts, but they are hardly representative. We don't hear enough from people like you and yours.

Anal sex has a bad reputation in more ways than one, most of them undeserved. What, for instance, makes you so sure it will hurt? Those overwhelming orgasms you've already experienced were presumably painless, so it can't be that bad, can it?

The most important anal-sex accessories are the right partner and the right attitude, and you've got both. Keep going with the fingers and the lots of lube, building up until you're ready for "all the way." Wonderful husbands generally stop when asked, so you should be able to put any too-much-too-soon worries aside.

Mess is a possibility, I'll admit. Condoms, however, are mess-impermeable and quickly shucked off and hidden from sight. This should take care of any unfortunate accidents, which are anyway less common than you might suppose. For a couple with no STD concerns, anal sex is no health threat at all. Proceed carefully, use more lube than you think warranted, and stop if it hurts. Oh, and have fun.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea:

I'm a straight male. The other night my girlfriend put on a strap-on she got as a gag gift, put K-Y Jelly on it, and slid it into me and began thrusting. It felt wonderful, and I had the most orgasmic ejaculation of my life. The question is: I'm not gay in any way, and this would kind of appear to be a homosexual act. Is this considered straight sex? I would never let a man do this. I am worried about this. Hope you can hel –

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! thump-thump-thump-SLAM!

That was the sound of Andrea screaming and running away. She will return next week, feeling (we hope) much refreshed and ready to (sigh) try again.

You can reach Andrea at alt.sex.column, Bay Guardian, 520 Hampshire St., S.F., CA 94110, or andrea@altsexcolumn.com.