DEAR ANDREA: If there were a Top 10 Kinky Things Women Fantasize About list, what do you think would be on it?

Love, Checking It Twice

Dear Twice:

Why do you even want to know? Is it because you're female and want to know where you stand, or male and want to make sure you get all possible bases covered, or – oh, who cares?

My entirely unscientific, pulled-out-of-any-convenient-orifice-you-care-to-name rundown of the Top 10 Kinky Things Your Average Woman Fantasizes About, in no particular order: making some powerful man do her bidding; being so overwhelmingly irresistible that people cannot control themselves; three-or-more-somes (all focused on her, of course); other women; doing it in public; being "raped"; being forced to do something degrading; being forced to do something degrading in public; being forced to do something degrading with a whole lot of people; having her bodice ripped by dark, brooding noblemen who are also pirates; being – oops, that's 10. I could go on.

Yes, there's a great deal of "take me, I'm all helpless and stuff" in there. What can I say? There's no simple explanation – I certainly don't believe the female penchant for fantasies of helplessness has anything to say about our true natures or natural place in society or any such thing. It may in some part reflect the longing to be free of societal strictures against wanton behavior, especially female wanton behavior ("It wasn't my fault! He made me do that nasty thing!"). It may, that is, but I dare say that in the perfectly equitable, everybody-wears-gray-coveralls world of tomorrow, people – men and women both – will still dream of being overpowered, ravaged, degraded, dominated, and even raped. This is not the sort of hypothesis one can test. When that perfect world gets here, I'll let you know.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea:

I've been married for three years, and for most of that time we have fantasized, to our mutual satisfaction, about me having sex with two men at the same time (my husband included). This fantasy has always turned me on, although until recently I never experienced it. I knew how complicated it could make things, and that's what kept it a fantasy until we went to Europe. I shouldn't go into great detail except to say I had dynamite, indescribable sex for two weeks with my husband and two European men (not simultaneously) whom I think were sent by whatever god(dess) rules these things. The experience was good for both of us as a couple. Until now.

It's several months later, and those men are no longer available to me. My husband knows how much I liked it, and I guess he is changing his mind about the whole thing. I've lived with this fantasy forever and can turn it back to fantasy to save my marriage, but I feel cheated somehow. I'm struggling. I want this to happen again, but he does not, and it is as simple as that. I wonder how many other women out there have a similar situation?

Love, Ciao Bella!

Dear Bella:

Quite a few, although their numbers are dwarfed by the men with "two women and me" fantasies. That would be all the men, I think, or at least it seems that way at times.

You don't need my help, although I'm happy to offer you a platform from which you may shout, "It's not fair!" as loud as you like and hope your personal goddess hears you. It isn't fair; it's just life. You are a grown-up, and you know that's how it goes – you try something new, you hope it'll work. If it doesn't, you move on.

You said you can go back to fantasyland if doing so will save your marriage (although you may want to try going back to Europe first; it worked last time). Glad to hear it. Perhaps in a little while you can turn your frown upside down, or let a smile be your umbrella, or however that damn thing goes, by remembering that you got to do what most folks only dream of. I do hope that helps. If not, go ahead and curse whichever deity you deem responsible. You can tell it I sent you.