DEAR ANDREA: I was recently play-fighting with my girlfriend when things got a little rougher than usual. She was trying to be playful, but she kicked me in the balls so hard that I couldn't get up. After the kick, she jumped on me and kept wrestling, so she didn't notice that I was hurt. Less than two minutes later she was stimulating me with her hands. This was the best orgasm of my life. I have thought about it for a while, and I think it was the kick in the balls that made it so good. I always thought that stuff like this should feel horrible. What gives?

Love,

Ballsy

Dear Balls:

Aw heck, I don't know. I've run letters from men who wonder why some women find a kick (or a poke) in the balls so amusing. I've run letters from women defending the amusement they find in kicking (or poking) men in the balls. I once watched a couple hours worth of gay-guys-kick-each-other-in-the-balls porn (don't ask). I've even answered a letter from a dude who was designing his very own ball-squeezing machine. I still lack the requisite equipment with which to run my own experiments, and I still advise caution. These are delicate structures, and they may come in handy in the future. I assume you want them to last.

I may advise caution, but there are plenty of people out there who don't. Did you know that STARDECK9tm is the leader in FULL WEIGHT GROIN STOMPING AND COCK-BALL-TORTURE? Neither did I until I ran across their screamingly uppercase self-promotion on the Web just now. I also found the weirdly impressive, obsessively catalogued Anaconda Video site, an amateur-type outfit catering to female domination fantasies of the face-sitting, man-trampling, ball-busting variety. If you end up really getting into this, it may be safer for you in the long run to watch some of these (fairly hot-looking) pros abuse the testicles of willing subjects than to become such a subject yourself.

I mention all of this simply to reassure you that your experience, while unusual, was hardly unique. Something – maybe fear, maybe physical sensation, who knows – makes this experience (anathema to most) a big, big turn-on to some. Before we both go jumping to all sorts of conclusions, though, I should point out that your excellent orgasm might have had nothing at all to do with the accidental groin-blow you'd recently received. It may have been brought on by the wrestling match, your girlfriend's hands, your mood, the phase of the moon, or some significant date on the Zoroastrian calendar. "Nothing in particular" is also a contender, but we will never know. Please do keep this in mind before you decide that all future sex play must be prefaced by potentially devastating injury if it is to reach a fully satisfactory conclusion. There must be an easier way.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea:

I am a guy, and I have a fantasy about being forcibly masturbated every hour over a period of days – perhaps restrained if necessary to secure my cooperation. But I don't know if it would actually be sexy or enjoyable. My sex drive is not anywhere near that strong, and it might just be uncomfortable and relatively pleasureless.

Do you know anything about this?

Love, Make Me

Dear Make,

Do I know anything about this? If I don't, shouldn't you be writing to Ask Beth or calling Car Talk or something?

Not to worry. Here's what I know: fantasy is fantasy, and reality is something else. For this, we should be grateful. Mom, superego, and the criminal justice system may keep us from acting out our every urge, but the truth is, most of us don't even want to. Not because our fantasies are bad, necessarily, but because many of them wouldn't be fun.

A colleague of mine used to teach this concept using the parable of the pickup truck: He claimed that he often masturbated to the image of a hunky guy wrapping him in barbed wire and dragging him behind a pickup truck until ... I dunno, he was done? The point, of course, is that what sounds good in fantasy is often impractical, unpleasant, or (at the very least) boring in practice.

You've got a nice little fantasy there. Enjoy it. You needn't go spoiling a fragile thing like that by dragging it into the harsh light of day.

Love, Andrea

P.S. If someone's willing to play along, you might want to see what one pseudo-nonconsensual hand job is really like. Maybe two. No need to overdo.