sfbg.com

"I want my girlfriend to strip and masturbate for me while I lie in a bathtub full of warm water and angel-hair pasta noodles."

"I am velcroed to the wall of my cubicle while a short Singaporean butch dyke hovers above me and massages my forehead with bubble wrap."

"I 'fem out' with one or more women. They put me in a floral spring dress, slip, panties, hose etc.... We are all very 'girly.' It's a comic situation, they all laugh and tease me about how 'cute' I look ... but slowly things become intimate.... We make love in a floral, feminine oasis. So different from my masculine, blue-collar life."

"I tried to screw my yellow Lab when I was a teenager. She wasn't into it and looked at me reproachfully. I always regretted trying it."

"I dressed up as a pig/turkey, was wrapped in tinfoil, carried in on a platter by four handsome butlers, and fucked with vegetables and noodles by five sexy girls dressed as circus clowns (in front of 500 people!)."

"Sangria-fueled unplanned pansexual orgy, most of which took place on an ex-housemate's second-floor back deck. Fourteen drunk sweaty naked people in plain view, many of them having sex of types they'd never had before (i.e., gay men going down on bi grrls, straight boy losing his butt virginity to a dyke who was packing, etc.). Among other things, I had several people licking guacamole off my ass cheeks at one point. All in plain view, on a Sunday afternoon. Apparently no one in the neighborhood complained."

"The night where I was cruised by a guy in a BMW. He said, "Wanna do some coke?" I said, "Sure." We drove to a spot under a bridge out on Third Street where we found an old, ratty pink knit dress, which I put on him. I then cut a hole in the back of the pink dress, bent him over his BMW, and fucked the shit outta him. I've probably done kinkier stuff, but something about that dirty pink knitted dress ..."

"When I was 15 on a farm, I stuck my dick through the fence and let a horse lick it. Don't tell anybody. I am still traumatized." Sex in the city
The results of the first-ever sex poll are in

Bay Guardian

IT'S JUST AS we suspected. Raw liver, pet poodles ... almost 1,000 people filled out our sex poll, and from what we can gather, the Bay Area is home to some serious perverts – as well as some jokers. We'll admit that commitment, monogamy, and bedroom sex are still strong lifestyle contenders, and some of you just wanted a romantic evening with Julia Roberts or Jack from the White Stripes. But others were rarin' to hit it with Carrot Top, Barney, and Marie Antoinette, quite a few of you have tried it on with a Dustbuster, and a full third of you admitted to having masturbated in your car within city limits – something for the rest of you to think about while you're changing lanes. One participant complained that the survey was obsessed with animal sex. We only wish he or she could see all the fill-in-the-blank responses involving four-legged friends, but here's a not-cryptic-enough example from some twisted mathematician: "Cat in heat + pencil = quiet." Owing to space constraints, we can't do justice to all the fantasies, top-secret confessions, and sexual creativity we've been privy to while compiling the data for the fill-in-the blank portion of our poll ("What famous person would you most like to have sex with?" "Animal, mineral, or vegetable – describe the most perverted sexual encounter you've ever had" "Describe a fantasy you're burning to put into practice that you've never dared tell any of your sexual partners"). But here are the numbers, as well as a sampling of our favorite responses. Note: Except in question no. 1, numbers are percentages out of a total of 990 respondents. Percentages for "No comment" answers are not given here.

Stats

1. How do you identify in terms of sexual orientation?

499 straight, 114 gay, 40 mostly straight, 5 mostly gay, 27 queer, 97 bisexual, 22 bi-curious, 3 polymorphously perverse, 1 polyamorous, 5 orientation jokes, 28 variations ranging from omnisexual to "if it moves I'll hit it," 1 elephant, 1 Man Who Loves Women, 89 who refused to comment at all, and 180 others in categories too numerous to mention here.

2. Have you ever changed your sexual orientation?

(a) Yes 15.37

(b) No 72.30

3. What do you define as sex?

(a) Vaginal or anal penetration 23.62

(b) Blow job 1.82

(d) Depends what "is" is 16.36

4. Are you in a committed relationship?

(a) Yes 55.45

(b) No 38.89

5. Are you monogamous?

(a) Yes 53.21

(b) No 33.07

6. The number of people you've had sex with could fit inside ...

(a) A phone booth 20.67

(b) The Phone Booth 25.84

(d) The Fillmore 13.07

7. When was the last time you had sex with another person?

(a) 10 minutes ago 16.93

(b) Last week 43.89

(d) Last presidential administration 8.02

(e) Last time the Giants were in the World Series 2.2

8. Who was the last person you had sex with?

(a) A significant other 54.71

(b) An ex 6.59

(d) A good friend 12.97

(e) A ship that bumped in the night 12.77

Location, location, location

9. Where was the last place you had sex?

(a) A bedroom 77.81

(b) A hotel/motel room 5.47

(d) A sex club 3.24

(e) The great outdoors 5.57

10. Have you ever had sex at work?

(a) Yes 36.78

(b) No 34.75

11. If you had to choose one of the following locations for sex, which would it be?

(a) The backseat of an original VW Bug on a cold winter night 18.54

(b) The bathroom of a commuter plane 25.33

(d) Down the hall from my parents' bedroom 9.52

12. Which of the following San Francisco landmarks have you had sex in, on, under, or near?

(a) Golden Gate Bridge 7.22

(b) Coit Tower 2.61

(d) Palace of Fine Arts 2.61

(e) The Windmill at Golden Gate Park 3.21

(f) Haight Street 9.53

(g) Dolores Park 5.12

(h) Great American Music Hall 0.7

(i) Hall of Justice 0.5

(j) Powell Street cable car 1.1

(k) Transamerica Pyramid 1.5

(l) Alcatraz 1.4

(m) Pet cemetery in the Presidio 0.9

(n) All of the above 1.4

Dirty mind

13. What's the largest number of people who have seen you having sex at one time?

(a) Me and my shadow 3.84

(b) Me and my significant other 46.71

(d) Who knows how many people saw that Web broadcast? 19.51

14. The most inappropriate sexual encounter you've had was with your ...

(a) Roommate 19.86

(b) Boss 11.96

(d) Pet 7.6

(e) Dustbuster 6.79

15. How many times have you brought yourself to orgasm while talking dirty with someone on the phone?

(a) Telephony and sex don't mix 31.93

(b) I've made a few local calls 40.26

(d) Thank god for Alexander Graham Bell – now all I need is a headset 7.53

16. Which of the following would you most like to be part of a BDSM scenario?

(a) Blindfolding 24.77

(b) Gagging and/or ropes 12.23

(d) Fire and/or ice 4.15

(e) Master/slave play 16.18

(f) Suspension 6.37

(g) Water sports 7.68

17. Your sexual partner has planned an evening of fun, fantasy, and role-playing. Which of the following roles would you most like them to adopt?

(a) French maid 29.31

(b) Meter maid 5.38

(d) Dominatrix 20.39

(e) Investment banker 10.75

(f) Robin Hood 14.1

(g) Gorilla 4.67

18. Your lover wants you to lick food off their person 9 1/2 Weeks-style. Which food would you choose?

(a) Velveeta 10.14

(b) Cough syrup 12.53

(d) Peanut butter 44.41

(e) Dinty Moore beef stew 5.59

Jack and Jill

19. Have you ever engaged in self-love in front of another person?

(a) Yes, many times 49.34

(b) Once or twice 31.14

20. Have you ever done it in front of another person unbeknownst to them?

(a) Yes, many times 15.12

(b) Once or twice 40.95

21. What happens to the porn Web site e-mails that make it past your spam filter?

(a) They go straight into the recycling bin 46.83

(b) I've been known to click through out of curiosity 38.96

22. You're so horny, you'd get off to ...

(a) Scrambled porn 45.29

(b) The Nelly video 9.93

(d) Animal Planet 5.89

23. Have you ever masturbated while driving your car?

(a) Yes 58.04

(b) No 5.46

24. Have you ever masturbated while driving your car within city limits?

(a) Yes 33.37

(b) No 58.96

The tools of the trade

25. How many sex toys do you own?

(a) None 29.03

(b) None – I prefer to go with what's lying around the house 11.79

(d) I buy batteries in bulk 18.26

(e) Too many to fit in the closet; I have to keep them in the dungeon 5.33

26. If your vibrator were an animal, what would it be?

(a) Beaver 6.58

(b) Bunny 10.28

(b) Dolphin 18.4

(d) My vibrator is an animal 12.44

27. What would you consider a great sex toy?

(a) A riding crop 14.7

(b) Edible underwear 11.49

(d) Attachable cat claws 9.21

What's in a name?

28. Have you ever given your genitals a nickname?

(a) Yes 34.92

(b) No 5.49

29. How many people have you had sex with whose names are now lost to time?

(a) None. I remember them all and make a point of sending them each a red rose on the anniversary of our magical love connection 18.84

(b) A couple, but I can basically picture them and remember how we ended up in bed together 40.02

(d) What's in a name? 14.89

The cost of loving

30. Have you ever paid/been paid for a sexual act?

(a) Yes 32.41

(b) No 60.63

31. Where did you connect with the other person?

(a) On the Information Superhighway 5.94

(b) On Capp Street 1.64

(d) Other 22.21

32. How much did you spend/charge?

(a) $1-$50 10.04

(b) $51-$100 8.07

(d) $501-$999 1.14

(e) $1,000 or up 0.1

Your cheating heart

33. What do you consider infidelity?

(a) Unclean thoughts about someone other than your sweetie 2.68

(b) Swapping spit outside the bounds of Spin the Bottle or Two Minutes in Heaven with same 34.47

(d) Penetration 9.39

(e) Penetration plus affection 17.54

34. Is it cheating on your partner to get head from a member of the sex you're not principally attracted to?

(a) Yes 66.98

(b) No 19.94

Leg work

35. How far would you go for a booty call?

(a) Across town 21.43

(b) Another area code 36.02

(d) I keep my passport handy at all times 15.94

36. What do you do to prepare for sex?

(a) Hospital-standard sanitization 4.88

(b) A nice hot shower 51.33

(d) Preparing for sex is like dancing about architecture 27.68

37. If you have an STD, when do you consider it appropriate to let the other person know?

(a) At the beginning of the date or interaction 10.65

(b) As soon as there's even the tiniest whisper of a shot at getting in their pants 39.83

(d) Once we're both in the sack 2.35

(e) I'm a menace to society and generally don't tell people 4.15

September 25 2002