OSUI

DEAR ANDREA: I am married with children and love my wife but have feelings toward men and would like to perform oral sex on someone. Recently I had too much to drink and was approached by a man to have sex. I don't remember much, and I don't know if I performed oral sex on him. Since then I've been confused and now desire more than anything to perform this on a man. Is this normal? Can I do this without anyone knowing?

Love, Blackout

Dear Black: You can't. You can skulk about in the dark, wearing a large false mustache and speaking in a foreign accent, and someone might still rat you out. Come to think of it, the most likely person to tell your wife what you've been doing is you, in a fit of remorse, under stern questioning, or drunk. Do you know what would happen next? Can you face it?

Yes, those feelings are normal, but I'm not sure how this information will be useful to you. Lots of men sneak out for blow jobs, but the fact that it's common does not render it unproblematic. I never quite get how this works, but ostensibly heterosexual married men who want sex with other men never seem to think of it as cheating as long as it's anonymous and conducted under the influence. And while we're on the subject of OSUI, you do realize that doing it while drunk makes it worse, don't you? If you're going to sneak out for blow jobs, couldn't you at least do it sober, when you're less likely to make any number of stupid mistakes? However she finds out, your wife will not be happy. But at least try not to break it to her by bringing home some infectious surprise, a citation for public lewdness, or the results of an aggravated assault.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My husband is sterile, and we want a baby very much. He gave me permission to have sex with another man as long as it is just to get pregnant. I have had sex with one man several times. He thinks I am on birth control. So far I have not gotten pregnant. Should I tell him that all I am interested in is getting pregnant? My other worry is that he may cause trouble after the baby gets here if he knows he is the father.

Love, Wanna-be Mama

Dear Mama: Oh, good grief. Don't do this. Just don't do any of it. There isn't a single part of this plan that doesn't stink.

Yes, he may cause a great deal of trouble after the baby is born or perhaps before, the minute you tell him what you've been up to. Of course he'll be mad. Who wouldn't be? You've done worse than treat him as a sex object; you've treated him as a sex cell object. How insulting can you get?

Let's take this back to the beginning. I'm wondering what you mean by "sterile" and if you're even sure. Does he have a low sperm count, low motility, antibodies, prostate trouble, a vasectomy, what? There is quite a lot that can be done for male factor infertility, and I hope you worked through all of those options before deciding that stealing sperm was the way to go. If there's no possibility of getting hold of any of hubby's swimmers, the next step ought to be either making a decent, legal contract with a known donor or finding a real sperm bank. Repeat after me: A man is a human being. A man is not a sperm-dispensing ATM.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: No one has answered this, and I've asked several advice columnists. I've got "baby lust." I only want to have sex to make a baby. I'm in my mid 20s, in a stable relationship. My brain knows that it's not the right time financially, but my body seems to think otherwise. Is my "biological clock" responsible for the acceleration of my libido?

Love, Tick Tock

Dear Tick: Nobody's answered because nobody has an opinion or an answer for you. This isn't a question as much as it is a statement: "I know better, but I'm driven to do this stupid thing because my hormones told me to."

Get some reliable birth control, make a financial plan, and have some decent, nonprocreative sex with your partner. Then you can ask us questions.

Love, Andrea

E-mail Andrea Nemerson at andrea@altsexcolumn.com.