November 6, 2002

DEAR ANDREA: Ya know what gets up my nose? Advice folk who advise sexual queriers (you know, like Scots terriers!) that the Thing That's Wrong is that males climax too fast and that if only they'd just ejaculate before sex, things would be All! Good!

Can't females learn not to wait so long? Couldn't we say that they come to climax too late? And I'll bet you that if females would only masturbate just before sex, it wouldn't take 'em so damn long! My point, of course, is that males are always told they have to change to suit females, but never the other way round! S'curious! Personally, I never like to "go all out," as you put it in the "Bunny Hop" column. I like to take sex quite slowly and make it last a half hour or more – until my appreciator says "when." Could I possibly be the only one?

Love, Takin' It Slow

Dear Slow:

Well, aren't you special!

No, of course you're not the only one, although you are – I hope – the only one to refer to his sex partner as "my appreciator." Sheesh. But the majority of "queriers" (aren't they really "querents"? or is it "querists"? – although queriers are cute, especially when they fetch or roll over) are not having great sex. Something's wrong, and that's why they're querents/ists/iers, right? Either the men write in with a self-defined premature-ejaculation problem or their dissatisfied partners do; either way, at least one person is unhappy with the status quo.

No matter how boring it may get to answer this question again, it would hardly do to begin by snapping, "Oh, just masturbate before and everything will be fine." It is an answer, but it is hardly the answer. I usually lead the quer-whatever (do I have to keep using that word?) through quite a lengthy, complicated series of experts and exercises. I also believe (and often say) that women ought to figure out what they want and see that they get it and not expect men to be ever ready, mind-reading orgasm machines. You can buy those. I would hope that most people could tell the difference.

Women can rarely "learn not to wait so long," as I suspect you already know, although they can sometimes become more sensitive and responsive with practice. They certainly cannot speed orgasm by masturbating first, as you definitely already know. Now you're just being difficult.

I don't know why aggrieved males like you bring their grievances to me. I really don't. Someone somewhere is surely giving biased, female-centric, males-be-damned advice, but are you quite sure it's me?

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea:

My girlfriend told me it seems to her I'm only interested in pleasing myself, because sex only lasts seconds and I lose all interest after orgasm. I admit that I do have problems with early ejaculation, but I try my best to get her to the point where we are both "timed" correctly. She doesn't like me to touch her genitals, and she doesn't like sex toys. I'm frustrated because I try to make sex more interesting for her so that she can reach her climax faster, but I have no idea how to get her there when she won't let me do anything. She has been raped, and I think that is why she is not comfortable. I ask her what would make things better, and she says I should try to concentrate on lasting longer. Is it really my fault? What can I do?

Love, Mr. Quickie

Dear Quickie:

What can you both do, you mean. You have a mutual problem, and you're going to solve it together or not at all. You both need to learn to make allowances for each other, but get that "whose fault is it" business right out of your head. It's nobody's fault. You're both a little messed up.

If you really do last just a few seconds, your job is to work on that. If she's suffering the aftereffects of rape, her job is to get some help and learn to trust you enough to pursue a reasonable sex life with you. She doesn't get to put it all on you, no matter how traumatic her past. And you don't get to turn off and fall asleep the second you're done. You gotta work with me here, OK?

Love, Andrea

P.S. Or you could just, you know, masturbate first.