December 11, 2002

DEAR ANDREA: Just a bit of knowledge to add: Lifestyles are truly terrible condoms. Even the ones I bought (not the free ones) broke with alarming frequency. A few times I replaced them twice! Needless to say, I'll never use them again. Trojan and Durex seem to work nicely. Maybe the ones that break are the cheapo brands?

Also, what does the "Enz" in "Trojan-Enz" mean? I get them because they are the only kind with spermicide.

Love, Lousy Lifestyle

Dear Style:

I was right with you until the last sentence there. What are all those Kimono, Durex, etc., spermicidal condoms doing, besides making the ubiquitous freebie baskets useless to the chemically sensitive (in other words, me)? And haven't you heard about the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that nonoxynol-9, the spermicide in question, actually raises the likelihood of certain users contracting HIV, owing to it being a nasty, irritating, highly allergenic detergent? You don't need it. However, if you're not sensitive to it, and not soaking in it immediately prior to shucking the condom to indulge in unprotected, high-risk sex, go ahead and use it.

I remember Lifestyles getting poor ratings from Consumer Reports years back, but I thought they were now pretty much the same as all the others. Maybe if I just print your statement, the company will get in touch, refute it, and send me a ton of samples that I can then subject to rigorous scientific testing. And get your minds out of the gutter, people; I meant bicycle pumps and water balloons, that sort of thing.

I believe the "Enz" in "Trojan-Enz" refers to the reservoir tip ("Enz" = "ends"), standard now but once quite the innovation. I could be wrong. It could stand for "Easily Negated Zygote," or "Egregiously Nasty Zoophilia," but I doubt it.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

Regarding your answer to "Stretched," there is some rhyme and reason to condom size. I imagine there is some variance by manufacturer, but for the sake of reference, "Large" is bigger than "Larger" in the Trojan line (I can't comment on Magnum XLs). And yes, there is a definite difference in comfort and fit among the various sizes. When they're too tight, they can slip off and the coverage leaves something to be desired. This can be as much of a problem as a too large condom slipping off.

Love,

XL

Dear X:

You make a good point about tight sheaths (not just loose ones) being a problem, and I should have mentioned it. I never would have mentioned that business about "Large" being larger than "Larger," though, because I'd never heard such a thing. They really are? Have you considered contacting the company and asking for an explanation?

Telling me that Trojan's sizing system borders on the surreal does little to disabuse me of the notion that choosing the right condom is not intuitive. As with so much else, a little research, easily conducted via our fine World Wide Web, can save the seeker much money, time, and in this case, many awful "Oops!" moments.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

When a guy buys a pair of jeans, he can choose a size that matches his body, but when he buys a condom, he has to submit to the collective delusion that all penises are nearly the same. Magnum, for instance, is 4 1/2 inches in circumference. That is 3/8 of an inch, or nine percent, larger than a Trojan regular. My penis at its widest is seven inches. Somebody at Trojan decided an additional stretch of 3/8 of an inch was worth a step up in size. By that logic, we should have a whole range of sizes available in 3/8-inch increments. Which would be terrific, not only in terms of personal comfort but also in terms of public health and reproductive choice – because a more comfortable condom is more likely to get used. Some day (hopefully soon) a clever entrepreneur will manufacture condoms this way and sell them over the Internet. I hope he or she makes billions.

Incidentally, I have had the best success with Inspiral brand. It is tight at the base but has a puffy front end that allows the head of my penis to keep its natural shape. I would recommend this one to your inquiring reader.

Love,

Inspired

Dear Spire:

Yes, Inspiral are great for the hard-to-fit gentleman (although I've known some women to find them uncomfortable). But dude, my wrist measures five inches around. Are you sure about that seven? And no, please do not send pictures. Thanks for the info.

Love,

Andrea