Post-popcorn depression
Hollywood offered many moments to forget in 2002.

By Cheryl Eddy

FORGET THE EASY targets and obvious punch lines (Swept Away, Femme Fatale, Serving Sara, Rollerball). Tear yourself away from all of those prestigious, Oscar-baiting, Leo-starring films currently packing theaters. Take a moment to remember the many, the not-so-proud, the truly mediocre movies of 2002. That sucking sound you hear is coming straight out of Hollywood: sucking your money, sucking your time, sucking your brain cells, and really, just sucking.

There is much to be said in favor of mindless entertainment, but aside from a few choice selections (Blue Crush, Reign of Fire, Blade II), 2002 was saddled with a staggering amount of middle-of-the-road pictures linked by the fact that they were all instantly, completely forgettable. Sure, maybe you enjoyed watching The Scorpion King while your butt was sitting in the theater, but at this point, what do you remember about the movie other than the fact that the Rock was in it? And a scantily clad chick? And that Michael Clarke Duncan popped up in there for a little while? (Uh – didn't he?)

At least there were a handful of movies that, devoid of an original plot or well-developed characters, could boast of at least one element that might make an impression on an otherwise dulled-into-catatonia viewer: Collateral Damage had a torture scene involving a traitor, an angry snake, and the traitor's trachea; Ghost Ship featured clueless partiers being sliced clean in half; Panic Room wielded Jared Leto's scary hairdo; The Transporter contained a fight scene involving an oil slick and bicycle parts; Resident Evil was crawling with flesh-gnawing zombies; The Time Machine had, er ... OK, bad example.

To be fair, you can't really fault B movies and popcorn thrillers for failing to impress. But far too many of 2002's films strutted into theaters bearing A-list talent, luring in excited moviegoers who were released two hours later feeling everything from dissatisfied to disgusted. The Truth about Charlie, K-19: The Widowmaker, Abandon, Windtalkers, Bad Company, The Four Feathers – we wanted to like you. We really did. But you were all just stinkin' awful. Especially The Four Feathers, which was directed by Elizabeth's Shekhar Kapur and released with ostentatious "important movie" flourishes, but wound up being the perfect example of why you can't just cram scenery, fancy costumes, and desert battle scenes into a weak-ass movie and call it an epic. When the sand cleared, The Four Feathers was about as "important" a movie as Stealing Harvard.

But by far the most sinister movie of 2002 was neither pretentious nor completely unmemorable, nor was it a box office failure. It was Scooby-Doo, and thanks to every man, woman, and child drawn in by a colorful marketing campaign, Hanna-Barbera nostalgia, or Sarah Michelle Gellar worship, that creepy-eyed C.G. canine is coming back in sequel form in 2004, no doubt bringing a hail of unfunny jokes, Sugar Ray cameos, and other horrors along for the ride. Until that fateful day, there'll surely be plenty of ho-hum treats to help us sleepwalk though 2003. Bad Boys II, anyone?

Cheryl Eddy's top 10

1. Bowling for Columbine (Michael Moore, USA/Canada/Germany)

2. The Kid Stays in the Picture (Nanette Burstein and Brett Morgen, USA)

3. Adaptation (Spike Jonze, USA)

4. Biggie and Tupac (Nick Broomfield, U.K.)

5. Far from Heaven (Todd Haynes, USA/France)

6. The Good Girl (Miguel Arteta, USA/Germany/Netherlands)

7. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (George Clooney, USA)

8. Y tu mamá también (Alfonso Cuarón, Mexico/USA)

9. Last 30 minutes of 8 Mile (Curtis Hanson, USA)

10. Yoda kicks Count Dooku's ass, Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (George Lucas, USA)