December 25, 2002

DEAR ANDREA: In your last column you were surprised that some guy had a seven-inch-diameter penis. I was wondering if this is really that odd. Could you ask your readers? If so, I also feel abnormally large. Just wondering.

Love, Thickasawrist

Dear Thick: I could ask my readers, but I don't feel like it. Since you asked, I admit that the gentleman's dimensions are not in fact all that freakish. I was just giving him a hard time.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My husband has a relatively small penis. I heard that bigger is better, but I never thought of cheating to experience someone bigger. I've heard of penis enlargement through things such as pumps, pills, and exercising. Do any of these methods work?

Love, Size Up?

Dear Up: I have answered this question and answered it, again and yet again, but it wasn't your question that caught my attention. Rather, it was that you didn't really seem to care about penis size one way or the other until you heard that "bigger is better." Leaving that venerable chestnut's veracity aside for the moment, who cares? Does it really matter that some people prefer big ones, when you were apparently fine until you started reading your spam (silly girl) or the ads in the back of questionable magazines?

All of that aside, does any of that stuff work? Well, the pills are not convincing. If any of the herbs and compounds in those things really did anything, you'd figure someone like Pfizer would be running ads featuring Al and Tipper Gore looking really happy. The exercises are often called "jelqing" by Web entrepreneurs, who claim it's an ancient and revered Middle Eastern practice. Whatever. Yes, it's true that constant pressure can stretch stuff, but that is constant pressure. Does even the most enthusiastic jelquer devote that much time to the project? And more important, would such dedication result in a bigger erection, or just a showy but useless appendage to swing around for a supposedly appreciative locker-room audience?

Once upon a time I would have snapped, "Pumps? Don't be ridiculous. Next?" the second you dared to raise the question. These days I'm not so sure suction is actually incapable of making body parts bigger(no jokes, please). Why? Well, have you seen the Brava, the vacuum bra that sounds like a joke but apparently really works? According to the (real, board-certified) plastic surgeons offering it, the Brava works via "tension-induced tissue growth" – not by stretching the breast but by producing new tissue. Now, breasts are not penises, and I will not extrapolate, well, anything, but I will say that vacuum-induced cell growth is a growth industry. Wound-care specialists are using vacuum pumps to speed healing. It really works, although the process is cumbersome, painful, and kind of disgusting.

Again, none of these innovations is proof of the efficacy of penis pumps. They are far more precise instruments than anything out of the back of a magazine, for one thing, and you have to use them 10 hours a day, for the Brava, or all day every day till it's over, for the wound vacuum. All I'm saying is that it's an intriguing area and we'll be hearing more about it if there's anything to hear. Right now, there isn't.

I'm happy to hear that your random curiosity has not led you to ruin your marriage. Good choice. And if you're really curious about what a bigger cock has to offer, they're available in a pretty much limitless selection of sizes, colors, and textures. Go nuts.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My boyfriend is too big for me. He can't even put an inch in. I want to, but physically I can't. He is nearly 11 inches and extremely thick. I'm sort of scared he'll find someone who can accommodate him. I tried almost every lube. Is there any way?

Love, Little, Big

Dear Little: The people who pester my kind with requests for instant, painless, all-natural, and free penis enlargement need to hear from people like you now and then. Have you tried slow, gentle, preferably enjoyable practice with fingers and eventually, perhaps, an entire (well-lubed) hand? It might take weeks but will probably work – widthwise, I mean. Lengthwise you're probably SOL.

This is a more gradual process than any crude prodding with a big, blunt object, and it should be easier to get used to. Especially if you try it post-orgasm, wide-legged, and absurdly well lubed. The aim is not to stretch you out so much as to learn to relax those muscles under your control. It's possible you two will simply never fit, but not likely.

Love, Andrea