Offies 2002: The year of the loser

Presenting our annual Off-Guard Awards for the worst of the year past.

By Tim Redmond and Linda Ehrlich

THEY'RE DROPPING LIKE flies: Trent Lott, Cardinal Law, Henry Kissinger. Harvey Pitt, Paul O'Neill, Kenneth Lay. Martha Stewart, Winona Ryder, Doris Kearns Goodwin. Hector Chinchilla, Doris Ward, Alex Fagan Jr. It's starting to feel as if the entire membership of the Bohemian Club, the Knights of Malta, the Brown-Burton machine, the St. Ignatius High School yearbook, and the Fraternal Order of Fashion Police is either resigning in disgrace, ducking subpoenas, or suddenly (and thankfully) starting to shut up.

There's not a whole lot of good news as 2002 creeps to an ugly close. The California government is almost as bankrupt as Enron (and has about as credible leadership). The Bush administration is so hyped for war that the generals at the Pentagon are chewing on the necks of their Jolt cola bottles.

But there's always the spectacle of the pillars of the ruling class making fools of themselves. And there is always the Offies – our annual Off-Guard Awards for the dumbest, worst, and most embarrassing moments of the year past. It was the Year of the Loser, and it couldn't have ended too soon.

Such an intelligent and credible insult, coming from such an attractive and temperate source

After Sup. Jake McGoldrick tried to put the city's legal notices contract out to bid, San Francisco Examiner columnist Warren Hinckle called McGoldrick a "piñata head."

And a whole lot more dollars will have to be spent on her defense lawyers

The Federal Bureau of Investigation raided Assessor-Recorder Doris Ward's office after Ward contracted with a political consultant who urged her to put him on the public payroll so "fewer dollars will have to be spent on your campaign."

Well, there goes the animal-rights vote

Malinka Moye, a candidate for supervisor in District Six, was arrested for allegedly killing and butchering a goat in a vacant lot near Arkansas Street. A story in the Bay Area Reporter quoted the police report as saying that Moye stated he "tied the goat's hind leg to a pole and hit [it] three times in the head with a 60-pound brick until it was dead." Moye reportedly told the cops he thought eating the goat meat would "make [him] stronger at the gym." He was later arrested on charges of cocaine possession, but told the BAR he was framed. "I've tried coke," he said. "But I don't have a drug problem."

Santa Claus. Defecation. Catholics. Sounds like a pretty bad mix to us

William Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, denounced an art exhibit at the Copia wine museum in Napa that includes a set of figurines depicting the pope, nuns, Santa Claus, and others defecating. Donohue's comment: "Artists. California. Alcohol. That's a bad mix."

Whereas, her attorney, who got down on all fours and barked in the courtroom, wasn't blurring any lines

Prosecutors in the trial of Robert Noel and Marjorie Knoller tried to introduce evidence of what they called "inappropriate" sexual conduct that "blurred the boundaries between dog and human."

No, we just stick our hands between one another's legs and hug a lot. Nothing funny going on here.

San Francisco 49ers running back Garrison Hearst said he didn't want any "faggots" on his team or in the locker room.

We're too busy patting one another on the butt to worry about this sort of thing

49ers general manager Terry Donohue said that Hearst's remarks were "unfortunate" but that "we are too busy trying to block and tackle and hit passes to be involved in a social issue."

What do you think this is, a fucking democracy?

Florida governor Jeb Bush extended voting by two hours after a series of Election Day snafus, but that didn't solve the problem: workers at one precinct outside Miami had not been told of the extension, so the held the doors shut and cursed at voters.

What do you think this is, a fucking democracy? (II)

Mayor Willie Brown called San Francisco voters "ass-backward" for electing a slate of supervisors opposed to his policies.

What do you think this is, a fucking democracy? (III)

A few days after District Attorney Terence Hallinan indicted one of Mayor Brown's planning commissioners, Brown tried to get Hallinan thrown off the stage at a Democratic Party rally, shouting, "Who the fuck let him up here?"

Who would Jesus punch?

After three off-duty San Francisco cops got into a fight with two other men outside a Union Street bar, badly injuring one of the men, Police Chief Earl Sanders compared critics of his investigation to those who attacked Jesus Christ. "There are always critics," he said. "We are going into one of our major holiday seasons, to celebrate the birth of a leader of the religious world. And I do recall in my readings that he was criticized."

Whereas, if they had thrown a pie, they would have been serious criminals who got six months in jail

Mayor Brown said the incident could have involved "mutual combat" and added that if the men who were beaten up "were small and inefficient at it like I am, they don't always win the fight.... If there is mutual combat, and all of us admit we were there, and all of us admit we participated, there is no crime scene to investigate."

Well, at least she could tell him what to do when nobody will ask you to lunch any more

Mayor Brown gave Tonya Harding a tour of City Hall.

It could have been worse – if he'd gone in July, he might have had to watch Henry Kissinger piss on a tree

Richard McCaslin of Carson City, Nev., broke into the famous Bohemian Grove camp – where some of the world's richest and most powerful men gather each summer – wearing a bulletproof vest and fatigues with the words "Phantom patriot" in red letters on the chest and expecting "armed resistance." He insisted he was investigating charges of human sacrifice at the encampment. However, he arrived in January, when the place was empty. He told a reporter he "felt silly" after his flashlight went out, then stumbled into a cabin and fell asleep on a cot. The next morning he tried to blow up the club's giant owl, but had no explosives, so instead he placed a Bible verse at the base of the statue and tried to set fire to the mess hall, but it was quickly extinguished by sprinklers.

From the gives-new-meaning-to-the-term-oral-sex files

Modesto resident Kelli Pratt was arrested and charged with felony domestic violence after she savagely bit her frail 65-year-old husband, who had declined to have sex with her after he returned from a hospital stay. "Mr. Pratt had been in the hospital for a while, and when he got home, his wife 'wanted some,' police sergeant Al Carter said. "He couldn't help her out, so she went into a rage and started tearing at his flesh with her teeth, pulling out large chunks. When the cops arrived, the woman tried to bite the arresting officers.

Sorry, you don't get to hum the national anthem on live TV

A woman who was trying to get pregnant posted a notice on Craigslist offering to trade two World Series tickets at Pac Bell Park for "healthy sperm."

Hey, even old war criminals need work too

President George W. Bush appointed Henry Kissinger to head a commission investigating intelligence failures, but he was forced to resign when he refused to release a list of his private clients.

Next, he'll be telling us he believes Tawana

Senate Republican leader Trent Lott went on Black Entertainment Television to apologize for suggesting that the nation would have been better off if segregationist Strom Thurmond had been elected president in 1948. "I'm for affirmative action," Lott told interviewer Ed Gordon. "I've had African Americans on my staff and other minorities, but particularly African Americans, since the 1970s."

It was Thursday, 3 a.m. We were working the night watch out of narcotics. A report had come in of some kids watching TV.

Law and Order creator Dick Wolf acknowledged that his new project, a remake of the classic Dragnet series, would be a challenge, saying, "There aren't many people under 35, unless they were stoned and watching it on TV at 3 a.m., who know what [Dragnet] is."

But the truth is, the money's not bad

Paul Burrell, Princess Diana's butler, was paid $468,000 by a London tabloid for his story. Then he came to the United States to do an interview with 20/20, but insisted he hadn't been paid for the interview and that "telling my story was never about money. It was only about the truth.... That is what this is all about – the truth." But after ABC paid Burrell separately for the rights to a video "diary" he had made, a news industry source noted that the deal "smells like Limburger cheese left out in August."

Tastes just like chicken

A fake meat made from fermented fungus went on sale in American supermarkets. "It's got a lot of potential," nutrition specialist Leslie Bonci said. "We just have to make sure fungus is not going appear on the label anywhere."

And while we're at it, I'm not a crook, so let's stop all this impeachment crap

Recently released tapes from the Nixon archives provided even further insight into the former president's beliefs: After Nixon's ambassador to France got badly drunk on an airplane and began groping flight attendants, Nixon declared at a staff meeting, "Look, people get drunk. People chase girls. And the point is, it's a hell of a lot better to get drunk than take drugs. It's better to chase girls than boys. That's my position, and let's stop this crap."

Well, OK, as long as we're not getting into anti-Semitism

In a meeting with former Treasury secretary John Connally, Nixon denounced the antiwar movement as "a wild orgasm of anarchists sweeping across the country like a prairie fire." He later told Connally that, "without getting into anti-Semitism," there was a "terrible liberal Jewish clique" that had inordinate power in the nation. "Look at the Justice Department – it's full of Jews," he said.

Remember, Rev. – it's just between you and me and this tape machine

In a conversation with Nixon, the Rev. Billy Graham expressed disdain for what he saw as Jewish domination of the media, then added, "A lot of Jews are great friends of mine. They swarm around me and are friendly to me because they know that I am friendly to Israel and so forth. But they don't know how I really feel about what they're doing to this country." Nixon said, "You must not let them know."

Yup. We bet they even have Jews

President George W. Bush asked Brazil's president, Fernando Henrique Cardoso, "Do you have blacks too?"

And for an encore, the kids of Pawtucket will dismember a statue of Diana's butler

A group of English schoolchildren in Belper attacked and dismembered a giant statue of Mr. Potato Head sent as a gift by the town's sister city, Pawtucket, R.I., where the toy is manufactured.

The mail's here. Have a nice day!

Lucas John Helder, the 21-year-old college student accused of putting pipe bombs in mailboxes in five states, told authorities he was trying to make a "smiley face" pattern on the map.

Gee, it was just racist symbols and jokes about people's names. How could anyone be offended by that?

Abercrombie and Fitch recalled an entire line of T-shirts after hundreds of Asians complained about graphic stereotypes on the shirts featuring Asian characters with slanted eyes and conical hats. "We personally thought Asians would love these shirts," a company spokesperson said.

Gee, it was just sexually provocative underwear for seven-year-olds. How could anyone be offended by that?

Abercrombie and Fitch also came under fire for marketing sexually suggestive thong underwear to girls as young as 10. "It's not appropriate for a 7-year-old, but it is appropriate for a 10-year-old," a spokesperson said.

Coming soon to Abercrombie and Fitch

The leader of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, set off a new fashion trend in that country with his trademark hat made out of the fur of aborted lamb fetuses.

At least

A vice-principal at a San Diego high school lifted girls' skirts in front of male students and adults to make sure they weren't wearing thong underwear to a dance. She said on a radio show that she was worried about the kids freak-dancing. "I was very concerned about their short skirts and having their bottoms covered," she said. "What I wanted was, if they were going to freak, at least their bottoms would be covered."

It's 4:20. All the defendants are free to go

Arizona judge Philip Marquardt, who used Superior Court stationary and envelopes to buy marijuana through the mail, acknowledged that he had smoked pot regularly while on the bench but said it hadn't affected his judgment. "By the very nature of marijuana, you don't wake up drugged up or glazed over," he said. "I walked into the courtroom clear-eyed and absolutely in control of my intellectual abilities."

And next on the list is O.J.'s house in Brentwood

The city of Los Angeles listed a trailer park as a cultural monument.

Hard to follow? Don't they just whack the ball through the little hoops? But then, you paid $250 for a ticket

A spectator who paid $250 for a ticket to the world champion croquet match in Windsor, Calif., told the San Francisco Chronicle that "this game is very hard to follow, especially if you're not watching it."

Of course, the French wouldn't have had such tacky curtains

Linda Lay, the wife of former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, opened a second-hand store called Jus' Stuff to sell some of her possessions. "It would be like Marie Antoniette opening up her house to sell her wares, hoping to save her neck," said one antique dealer who visited the store.

And supersize must be even better

Two New York City teenagers are suing McDonald's, claiming the company's food made them obese. "If you had told me the food was unhealthy, I wouldn't have believed you," the father of one of the kids said. A 56-year-old man who also sued said, "They said it was 100 percent beef. I thought that meant it was good for you."

Her head on a platter would fit in nicely with that decor

Louisiana congressperson Billy Tauzin, who heads a committee looking into Martha Stewart's ImClone deal, threatened Stewart with a subpoena – one day before Stewart's TV show broadcast an episode showing her cooking with Tauzin, who is also a Cajun chef. "That was either the dumbest thing I've ever seen or the cleverest thing I've ever seen," Tauzin's spokesperson said. The spokesperson said the representative had been friendly with Stewart and had several photos of her hanging on his wall, although "he also has 12 trophy deer heads on his wall."

Because at Walgreens, we want the whole world to be happy

A Florida woman sued Walgreens after the drug chain allegedly sent her free, unsolicited samples of Prozac.

They could start by taking away his guns

Four days after his arrest on charges that he barged into his cousin's apartment with a gun and threatened two people, Philadelphia 76ers star Allen Iverson showed up at his celebrity children's softball game to loud cheers. "He's a wholesome, decent, god-fearing young person," said Novella Williams, a spokesperson for the event. "I stand committed with my other young women to free this young man from the powers of evil."

Like Malibu Barbie always says

A federal appeals court in San Francisco ruled that "Barbie Girl," a song by the Danish band Aqua, was free speech and did not violate the trademark of the dollmaker. Judge Alex Konzinsky ended his opinion by saying, "The parties are advised to chill."

That's our story, and we're sticking to it

Princeton University admissions director Stephen LeMenager hacked into a Yale University admissions Web site, but justified his actions to the Yale Daily News by saying the intrusions were "just an innocent way for us to check out the security."

Don't they have direct deposit in Boston?

An orthopedic surgeon in Boston was suspended from practice after he abandoned a patient on the operating table in the middle of back surgery because he wanted to go to the bank to deposit his paycheck.

Well, at least there would be no need to learn any of those pesky lines

Tennis star Serena Williams announced that she wanted to become an actor, but hinted at problems. "With my time schedule, I'd have to have a small role, but I'd like the movie to be all about me," she said. "So maybe I can get hurt in the beginning of the movie, and I can just stay in a coma until the end."

Old age – otherwise known as death

The president of Turkmenistan issued a decree extending adolescence until age 25 and delaying the onset of "old age" until 85. According to the World Health Organization, life expectancy in Turkmenistan is between 60 and 65.

And where, exactly, were you planning to shoot yourself?

After gubernatorial candidate Bill Simon's allegations that incumbent Gray Davis had illegally taken campaign money while in office turned out to be false, Simon adviser Ed Rollins said, "It was a bullet. We put it in the gun wrong. We shot ourselves in the head."

Or perhaps much of the under-two audience was busy watching 'The Bachelor'

Barney the purple dinosaur fell in the ratings from number one to number seven in the two-to-five set, but the producer said he wasn't worried since the ratings "don't typically capture the under-two audience, which is a large percentage of our audience."

And next, the happy cows will be promoting McDonald's

An ad campaign for Denny's featured Miss Piggy, the Muppet, hawking a sausage-and-bacon combo breakfast. "I think people understand that it's the Muppets," a Denny's spokesperson said. "If we had a real pig in here eating bacon, then there would be issues."

Where was he when all the oil washed up on the Spanish coast?

A seven-year-old Los Angeles boy decided to have his birthday party at the town dump because he has what his mother called "a passion" for garbage. "I like to put trash where it belongs," the boy said. "I like making the world cleaner."

Gee, maybe he's gone off to Scotland to play the Loch Ness monster

The children of a California logger named Ray L. Wallace acknowledged that their late father had carved two 16-inch-long wooden feet and stomped around a logging camp in 1958, creating the legend of Bigfoot, and that the famous 1967 film purportedly of the creature was just Wallace's wife in a monkey suit. But some Bigfoot supporters refused to acknowledge that the legend was a fake. "I've been out in ... the middle of nowhere and come upon footprints," said Idaho State University professor Jeffrey Meldrum. "In those situations, where's Ray Wallace?"

Well that's two; one more strike and she's out

Mark Klaas, father of Polly Klaas, defended Winona Rider after her shoplifting conviction, saying, "She may be a double felon, but she's a double felon with a heart."

Live! News! Men!

Too much information: three women who work at the San Francisco Chronicle, Ilene Lelchuck, Jenny Strasburg, and Jennifer Asche, produced a calendar called "Men of the Chronicle," with photos by Asche of 13 male journalists in various states of undress as a benefit for the Breast Cancer Fund of San Francisco. Pictured above are columnists Phil Matier and Andrew Ross (gasp – both Aries) and reporter Carl Nolte (who loves boats but can't swim). Also in the calendar: business reporter Christian Berthelsen, business editor Ken Howe, editorial assistant Charles Howard, cartoonist Don Asmussen, sports columnist Ray Ratto, reporters Ryan Kim, Cicero Estrella, and Chuck Finnie, assistant art director Joe Shoulak, environmental reporter Glen Martin, and assistant metro editor Marshall Wilson.