January 1, 2003

DEAR ANDREA: My boyfriend was alone for a long time before we got together and was pretty reclusive. I'm outgoing and have little private sex life. I've already volunteered to watch his porn videos. I went along to the strip club, which was a little uncomfortable and just made me sad. But now there's more. He goes to those Web sites where they can tell the girls what to do and interact with them. He spends more money on that than he has on all of our dates and any gifts he's ever given me!

Now I've seen his panty collection: 19 pairs (some dirty)! I'm going out of my mind. What do you think? Should I accept this as a part of his sexuality? Is he addicted? Do you think it's going to get worse and eventually he'll want to cheat? Is it already cheating?

He calls me his best friend. After a year he told me he loves me, and that was a huge step for him. I've been researching porn and addiction, and there are so many perspectives ... I can't get enough input.

Love, Watching the Watcher

Dear Watcher: Input I've got. I could probably even tell you what to do. But I really shouldn't. I should just tell you to sit quietly somewhere and ruminate until you've figured out what you truly want out of all this. If you want to be the neglected wife of a guy who spends his entire discretionary income on used panties, for instance – oops.

Tipped my hand there, didn't I?

Whenever I answer one of these questions, I get a lot of indignant mail from people who read someone else's column on the same subject and got confused. At least, that's the only explanation I can find for people's assumption that I must be pro-everything as long as it's dirty. Where does this come from? Have I ever been shy about pronouncing judgment? Of course I think there's such a thing as too much; it's just that there's no one, universal too much. One person's harmless diversion is another's life-destroying habit. It's not really my job to decide when someone's enough becomes too much. If you got me really drunk, though, I'd probably tell you that your boyfriend has already crossed that line.

I think you're putting up with a lot, more than you want to and more than is good for you. It was very spunky of you to go along to the strip club with him, but you know what? I don't think that sharing his (formerly) secret life with him is the way to make him happy, not that I've dedicated my life to making your boyfriend happy or anything. I think he's in the habit of pursuing a solitary sex life based on voyeurism and other people's underwear, and that's the way he likes it. It's certainly possible to do these things and still have room for a real connection with an actual person, but you have yet to convince me that he's doing that. His choice of the phrase "best friend" to describe the way he feels about you is telling. Probably telling you something you don't want to hear, but telling none the less. Tell me it ain't so.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My wife thinks that looking at porn is the equivalent of cheating on her. Just the other day she caught me looking at Internet porn – just standard naked women – and she still won't speak to me. Can you recommend a reference that might help her understand why people look at porn and that it isn't really so bad?

Love, In the Doghouse

Dear Dog: Well, I'm happy. I just read Marty Klein's article on the Oprah-Dr. Phil Husband Hating-Antisex conspiracy and was dying to cite it. You'll have to wait to see it on his Web site (www.sexed.org), but it's in the January Playboy, in case you can't stand the suspense.

The intrepid Klein, a braver man than I, watched daytime TV 'til his eyes bled and came up with a list of the calumnies perpetrated upon the American people by Oprah and her lapdog, Not-Really-a-Doctor Phil McGraw. "Men are ... less emotional about sex than women" is one, as is "Looking at porn is a form of infidelity." Sound familiar?

This stuff leaks out of the TV like the toxic effluent it is, and it's infectious. "Why are you so mad at me all the time?" the perplexed young husband asks his wife. "Don't you talk to me!" she responds. "Dr. Phil says you're a big pervert with intimacy issues, and you're cheating on me with pornography." Helpful, huh?

Wendy McElroy (www.zetetics.com/mac/freeinqu.htm) has a nice one-page "Feminist Overview of Pornography, Ending in a Defense Thereof" your wife may enjoy, or you could support one of my favorite writers and buy a copy of Sallie Tisdale's Talk Dirty to Me. Or just be a man and shoot out the TV.

Love, Andrea