January 7, 2003

DEAR ANDREA: I am so angry that you did not mention in your discussion of the "donkey punch" that this type of activity is not some kind of "icky" fetish but falls into the category of assault and rape. I am disappointed that you never mentioned that once someone is unconscious, all sexual activity becomes nonconsensual. I would like you to issue an apology to your readers for your lack of appropriate responsibility as a journalist.

Love,

Another Woman Against Abuse of Women

Dear Woman:

And I am so angry about those poor bonsai kittens! Imagine: being raised in a beer glass, never to eviscerate catnip mice or pounce on their owners' toesies early in the morning ... it's so mean! And isn't it too painful even to contemplate the fate of innocent companion rodents forced to perform despicable acts with aging Hollywood Buddhists? I don't know how you can get all exercised over violence to adult women, who, after all, can take care of themselves, while not sparing a tear for the poor little helpless furry ones.

Honey, get over it. There's no such thing as a "donkey punch." If there were, I promise you I'd be against it too. Until then, I don't believe I'll be apologizing, but thanks for the invitation.

Love,

Andrea

P.S. OK, I do have something to apologize for: I forgot to add "sic" after a writer used "diameter" when he meant "circumference." I didn't confuse the two, mind you; he did. But judging from the number of responses, that little slip pretty near ruined the holidays of many of my geekier readers. Sorry 'bout that.

Dear Andrea:

I understand that In the Doghouse asked you for references that excuse porn use, but you might have considered the possibility that she had good reason to object to his porn use. Some reasonable, intelligent, well-informed folk consider porn to be damaging both to a relationship and to the perception of women in our culture. A feeling of betrayal is common and understandable. Usually it's a gut reaction to the fundamental inequity in the pornography industry, the fact that porn spends most of its time degrading and objectifying women. Feminist, nonexploitative porn might exist, but instances of nonexploitative porn are so rare as to hardly merit a mention.

Your rhetoric exhibits that you are no feminist anyway, as is displayed by your suggestion that he "be a man" and use violence to accomplish control over her thoughts by eliminating a prime access to mass media. Therefore, you probably aren't interested in the valid feminist criticisms of porn, nor in supporting the feminist ethic of open, honest, respectful lines of communication in relationships. This is understandable; the antifeminist, promisogynist writers out there have done an impressive job of silencing any sort of a radical feminist perspective in our culture.

I would have advised him to be sensitive to his partner's objections and to attempt to discover the root of her objections to porn use rather than throwing women-hating hacks in her face. You could even have suggested that he attempt to research feminist objections to porn so that he could understand her better. I love my lover, and I love sex, but porn has no place in my home or in my relationship. I've been honest in my declaration that if my partner feels he cannot be without porn, he is more than welcome to walk out the door. So far, every man with whom I've been serious has understood and accepted my terms gladly.

Love,

Porn-Free

Dear Free:

How nice for you. Actually, I am a feminist, if all the direct-action rape prevention and anti-domestic violence work I've done with actual, nontheoretical women counts for anything. I even remember the feminist sex wars of the '80s, and guess what? Your side lost. Neither Ed Meese nor Catharine MacKinnon nor anyone in between ever managed to find a link between porn use and male violence or porn use and the status of women in a given society. Oh, except for some data suggesting that women have higher status in porn-using societies. Whatever that means.

I understand that you would have advised the poor guy to study his Dworkin while giving his wife a nice foot rub, but lucky for him he didn't ask you. Do you think a generous dollop of shame and self-loathing was just what their relationship needed? I do not. What he was doing – watching a little porn, for God's sake, not leading a team of rampaging baby-rapers – was harmless, and he deserved to be told as much.

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: That's not funny.

Ordinarily I would not stoop so low, but ... I told him to "use violence to accomplish control over her thoughts by eliminating a prime access to mass media"? Hilarious.

Love,

Andrea