January 15, 2003

DEAR ANDREA: My boyfriend and I have been together two years. We've started talking about marriage – he is perfect in all regards except one. Sex is good, but not great, mainly because he is plain vanilla in his tastes and lacks any interest in trying new things. This is a real problem for me. There are things I'd like to try, but I can't pique his interest in them.

Since I was about 15, I've fantasized about dominating men, but I've had only one lover in my entire life who was interested in S-M. It took me several years to be comfortable with my desires. Now I would love to spank my boyfriend, yet every time I have tried to move our relationship in that direction, he has strongly resisted. I've tried everything – discussions, jokes, pictures, even a porn movie with a woman caning a man. He either laughs or gets angry about it. He won't even address the subject seriously.

The really frustrating part is that there are frequent references to women dominating men as a sexual turn-on in the media, but my man only wants straightforward intercourse. Is there a way to make him give it a try? He is so perfect in other ways. I should mention that I am a successful professional and want a "normal" monogamous relationship, kids, etc., and am not interested in joining a "scene" or an S-M lifestyle (outside of my marriage). Any suggestions would be received with gratitude. I am at my wit's end about this.

Love, Trying to Top

Dear Top: You're smart, you know what you want and how to ask for it, and – I hate to tell you this – you've already answered your own question. Ordinarily I would suggest that you first mention your fantasies as a joke or as a serious turn-on, depending on how you and your boyfriend generally handle such material. Then, provided he seemed the tiniest bit receptive, I'd advise moving on to suggestive pictures ("You think she looks hot in these boots? How about the, um, cane?") and from there to a titillating movie or actual porn. A little personal attention while the movie plays in the background could provide the sort of Pavlovian reinforcement that would do the rest of the work for you.

But no. You've already done all of the homework I would have assigned. He failed. I'm not saying that you're right and he's wrong, or even that you're cool and he's a dweeb. I'm not supposed to judge people based on where they fall on the kinky scale. Nobody said you couldn't, though, at least when choosing a boyfriend. At the very least, you need to ask yourself if you're OK with relegating the whole S-M thing to the realm of pure, private fantasy, forever. Imagine a future – your whole future, till death do you part and all – without anything kinkier than cunnilingus in it. Can you bear it, or does it shrivel your very soul even to contemplate it? It's easy to shrug these things off as something you'll grow out of, or as something so very much less important than the "real" stuff like love, trust, fidelity, and liking the same TV shows. But those sorts of decisions have a way of turning around and biting us in the ass. Not in a good way, either.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I have been a closet panty-wearer since I was 10 years old. It has been very painful for me. Now that I am in my 20s, I have found a girl I really like. At first she accepted me, panties and all, but then she changed and told me she did not want to be with me because I wore panties. She says that I act too feminine when I wear them. It's about that time to get married, and she says it's "me or the panties." I have to choose. How can I get her to like what I am doing and who I am? Should I lose the girl and try to find someone who will accept me for me? Should I say I'll change?

Love, This Is Who I Am

Dear Who: Will you change? Not likely. So is it a good idea to say you will? Not on your life.

There are only two ways to go here, if you don't count the ones guaranteed to lead to misery and regret. The first is telling her, "This is who I am. I know you don't enjoy seeing me do my thing, so I hereby promise to do it only in private and never so much as mention it in your presence." There is a chance, how good a chance I couldn't tell you, that she will find this acceptable. The other choice – don't get excited – is not lying about it now and getting caught later, but saying good-bye.

Love, Andrea