January 22, 2003

DEAR ANDREA: I'm a guy in his 20s. I've got an "appointment" to appear (solo) in a porn video. I'm unemployed and could use the cash. My friends wouldn't care, but my family would trip if they found out. And I can imagine that footage of me busting a nut could be used against me someday by assholes who'd exploit the puritan sentiments of our sex-negative culture to attempt to discredit my political and artistic work. I have no problems about actually doing the deed, but I'm a little worried that this decision will haunt me later. I would love an erudite opinion on the matter.

Love,

Show Off

Dear Off:

OK, I'll do my best to be erudite. Chances are good that your appointment has already come and gone, and you with it, I imagine. I hope you gave it your best shot. Actually, I don't. What I really hope is that you gave it a good deal of thought before deciding that it's your job to take on our puritan, sex-negative culture by jacking off on tape. You know why. You shouldn't need me, erudite or not, to tell you.

Were you even slightly serious when you mentioned political ambitions? Because obviously, if you were, making porn is absolutely out. And have you ever considered scouting or being a Big Brother? What about showbiz? Believe me, we're all looking forward to seeing your recent star turn on Entertainment Tonight with your privates all pixilated. Or, back in the personal sphere, what if you wanted to go out with someone who felt uncomfortable dating someone from even the very lowest echelon of porn stars?

Look, I'm not really all that worried that one little "appointment" will haunt you forever. I'm willing to consider the possibility that there's too much paranoia about this sort of thing. Even Dr. Laura got away with having compromising photos (shudder) surface late in her career, and Vanessa Williams is starring on Broadway. I do not, however, know the first thing about the people who made or will make your video. Do you? Do you know who will own or distribute it? Will it be available online? Will you be able to stop its exhibition later if you change your mind (hint: not on your life)?

The only part of your question that doesn't worry me is your artistic aspirations. If you meant you want your own sitcom or kiddie show, you're probably screwed, but if you plan to be a performance artist or monologist, you've got the material for your first piece right here. You're welcome.

Love,

Andrea

Dear Andrea:

I have a crush (well, more than a crush) on my third cousin. We're both females. I know that one day we are going to end up having sex, and we really want to be together in a relationship. But I know how people look at this, and while I don't support incest, I don't see how this is going to hurt anything, since we can't have children together and we're only third cousins. She's also a lot older than me, but that doesn't really bother me that much. What's your opinion?

Love, Cousine, Cousine

Dear Cuz:

If I tell you what to do, do you promise to do it? I always feel like asking that, although in your case it doesn't really matter, because my opinion is equivocal in the extreme.

First off, this really isn't that big a deal. Boffing your third cousin may be technically incestuous, but it isn't illegal anywhere that I know of, and even if it were, nobody would care. The laws that do exist are marriage laws, and I think we're all aware that marriage isn't an option for you. (Oh OK, Vermont, sort of. The Netherlands. But you know what I meant.)

Most people are against incest for one (or two) of two reasons: Much incest is also child abuse, and/or they're worried about people making web-toed babies. You yourself pointed out that there are no children involved, and you won't be making any babies, web-toed or otherwise. I should also mention that even if you happened to be boy-girl cousins, you still wouldn't be making any web-toed babies. Counterintuitive as it may be, it turns out that even brothers and sisters can reproduce with only a slightly increased incidence of birth defects. Not that I think it's a good idea or anything.

So, no problem, right? Well ... I did say I was feeling all kinds of equivocal about this, remember, and here's why: I have no objection, legal, moral, or ethical, to hot cousin-on-cousin action. None. Don't care. Your family, however, is going to flip the fuck out. Whether you care and what you plan to do about it are outside of my purview.

Love, Andrea