January 29, 2003
It's funny in Kansas
Arts and Entertainment
DEAR ANDREA: The only way my wife can have an orgasm is by "grinding" on my pelvic bone. We've tried other positions, but she just can't. Which would be OK, but I start having pain on the pelvic bone. Are we doing something wrong?
Thanks, Bruised and Confused
Not wrong, but dare I say unimaginative? The needing-to-grind thing isn't uncommon. There are also legions of women who have yet to figure out that a little grindage is exactly what they need to get beyond the "this feels nice but ..." stage. Too bad. Perhaps the trusty hip bone needs a good P.R. person.
It's nice of you to have prominent bones and to make them available to her. Now, how shall we keep her from grinding them right off? Couldn't you slide a hand in between and give her a wrist to ride? Or what about the position where she's on her back or side and you're on your side with your thigh between her legs? Surely your nice, meaty leg can take more abuse than your bony old hip can. Plus, the world is full of inanimate objects. Why not keep something humpable a towel, a pillow, a teddy bear if you must within reach and slide it in between the two of you? Before it hurts, next time.
Dear Andrea: I'm female, and I've never been able to orgasm naked. When I masturbate, I keep my pants on or rub a balled-up T-shirt between my legs. When I'm with a guy, I often lie and say I'm on my period so I can keep my pants on and initiate "dry humping," as we called it in high school. It's funny, but I think I had a better sex life (orgasmwise) in high school, when that's the furthest I would go with boys. I'm currently dating a wonderful man, and the sex is great, except it can't get me there. He gives great oral, too, but it only gets me close and frustrated. He lets me dry hump him sometimes, but I think it's painful and awkward for him. Fingering doesn't work either, and I'm too broke to try a vibrator.
Love, No Nude Is Good Nude
Dear Nude: While trying to visualize something that would allow your boyfriend access and yet still count as keeping your pants on, I found it hard to avoid the crotchless panty. You know, the flimsies made of Barbie's negligee-grade nylon and scratchy elastic. Gag. Out of the question on aesthetic grounds alone; who knows if they'd even work?
It's quite common for people (especially female people) to realize that their teenage gropings were more gratifying than the "mature" sex to follow. And no wonder beginners frequently assume that now they're having "real" sex and that the other kind is for kids. Silly grown-ups. There is one teenage behavior worth outgrowing, though: lying to your boyfriend instead of speaking up and saying what you want. Stop that.
You're probably a little too sensitive for direct stimulation, which isn't that unusual. Lots of women can only use a vibrator or a shower massager if the vibration is dampened with a washcloth, for instance, and tongue connecting directly to clitoris is just too much for many others. It's easy enough to work around this. Find something that works silky underwear? towel? industrial rubber flooring? and keep it close at hand.
P.S. Oh, you are not too broke for a vibrator. Twelve bucks plus batteries. Sheesh.
Dear Andrea: My boyfriend and I have only just started having sex. I really get into it, but I don't experience the heart-pounding, out-of-breath kind of sex that he does. I feel like he's doing all the work. He hasn't complained, but I wonder if I'm missing something? Everyone says sex can be quite a workout, but I don't even break a sweat!
Love, No Sweat
Dear Sweat: Well, why not? Did you somehow get the message that just lying there is the pinnacle of female sexual experience? Is he tying you down (not that there's anything wrong with that)? If not, what exactly is stopping you from climbing on top and riding like the wind?
If you exert yourself, you will break a sweat. Just don't get it into your head that energetic sex will replace the StairMaster in your daily routine. No matter how often and how hopefully people ask me, I still have to tell them, no, you can't burn 1,500 calories getting your rocks off. Not even 500. For an average-size woman, 15 minutes of moderate activity is going to burn fewer than 100 calories. Not good news, I know, but it's the truth, and isn't it always better to know the truth? I didn't think so.
E-mail Andrea Nemerson at email@example.com.