February 12, 2003
It's funny in Kansas
Arts and Entertainment
O lucky man
DEAR ANDREA: I'm a guy with a problem. My girlfriend and I recently had a threesome with her girlfriend. We all really enjoyed it. The next day my girlfriend broke down in tears because she was afraid that she'd made the wrong decision and that I will leave her for her friend. I reassured her that I will never leave her for anyone. Since the threesome, our relationship has been great, and their friendship seems fine. I really want to have another encounter, but I don't know how to go about asking. If I mention her friend's name, my girlfriend gets very defensive. I can't stop thinking about it. How do I go about keeping my dream of continuing our three-way encounters without ruining our relationship?
Love, Again, Please
Dear Please: Oh, you are so not a guy with a problem. The guy whose girlfriend bursts into tears every time they get started, so they never get finished? He has a problem. The guy who feels so guilty about his sexuality that he'd rather just take some libido-reducing drug; can I recommend one? He has a problem. You have a situation. If that.
You can keep your dream as long as you like; nothing's stopping you. You may not be able to live your dream again anytime soon, but you know what? Few do. You ought to count yourself lucky that you got to do it once, say thanks, and lay off.
No couple can guess how one of these three-way, swingery, partner-swapping, sex-partying things will go until they try it. You shouldn't be too surprised to hear that tears, guilt, regret, and recriminations are not unusual in the aftermath. A freak-out is nobody's fault; it just means that someone has discovered that he or she isn't cut out for this and says so. It's a lot better than the other way, when somebody pretends to be fine until one day he or she turns into a vengeful fang-beast and rips your lungs out.
Things are actually going quite well for you two, so at least you know there's no permanent damage. Now let her get over it. Don't bring it up anymore. Don't figure out some clever way to bring up the friend's name. Don't casually suggest bringing her along the next time you go out. Whatever it was you were thinking, just don't.
Dear Andrea: I'm 18, and I've been going out with my boyfriend for three years. I love him a lot, but things were starting to get a little boring. He'd asked many times if we could have a threesome with a friend, and I'd always said no. Well, one night he, his friend, and I were watching TV, and one thing led to another. There was no intercourse involved; it really wasn't that big of a deal. Then right in the middle of it, he got upset and wanted to stop. It's been a week, and he's still upset. He can't look at me the same, and he says things are different. I'm frustrated because he told me the night before that he wanted to, and I'm upset because I don't want this to hurt our relationship. He's still really good friends with his friend and doesn't seem to be any different with him. I feel guilty because I enjoyed it and wouldn't mind doing it again. Sexually I think it has done wonders for us. It's like it put the energy back. I don't know how to make things better or what to say to him. Help!
Love, Need to Fix It!
Dear Fix: And this is your fault exactly how?
I get that you love him and your formerly peaceful existence, but this is your boyfriend's problem, and I don't think there's a thing that can fix it except time. And speaking of time, you haven't had any. Eighteen is a baby, Fix, and you've been with this guy since you were, um, a fetus. Can you stand to hear that he is probably not the man you're going to marry, probably by quite a stretch, so you really don't need to worry quite so much?
I know exactly how useless it is to say, "Oh, don't feel guilty!" But I can ask what you have to feel guilty about and let you take it from there. So, what do you have to feel guilty about? Doing something your boyfriend was pestering you to do anyway? I don't think so. Enjoying it when he didn't? That's more like it, but do you really think he wanted you to hate every second? I certainly hope not. No, he may wish now that you hated the experience as much as he did; you know what they say about misery and company. That wish is unworthy of him, though, and we can only hope he'll get over it.
Note: It's time once again for San Francisco Sex Information's Sex Educator Training. Where do you think I learned all of this stuff? Don't you want to know it too? Go to www.sfsi.org to learn more.
E-mail Andrea Nemerson at email@example.com.