March 5 2003

DEAR ANDREA: I read your answer to the question from "Burning Love" about painful intercourse, and I realized that the symptoms sounded a lot like something an ex-girlfriend of mine had, called vestibulitis. The only thing the docs had to say was that it was stress-related. So we figured out how to make her life less stressful, and we stopped having intercourse, and about a year later the pain was gone.

I just have to say that if a young woman needs artificial lubrication, she is either not excited enough or ill in some way. Of course, some women lubricate more and some less, but if she's excited enough, it's always enough. So instead of plugging for lube, plug for more and better foreplay.

Love, Tsk, Tsk

Dear Tsk: "If she's excited enough, it's always enough"? Yeah, no. Sorry. Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it isn't, sometimes it's enough for some acts (or some partners) but not for others ... it depends. And who do you think is buying all that lube? Only older women, women with lousy lovers, and lazy guys looking to get out of a little work? You can't think that. The only explanation for saying it is that you weren't thinking at all.

The vestibule (it sounds so friendly, like there ought to be a welcome mat) is the lower part of the opening to the vagina – the floor. An "-itis" is any old inflammation. So vestibulitis merely means "inflammation of the vestibule," and it isn't stress-related, particularly, except in the way that any inflammation or infection can be said to be stress-related. Reducing stress may have helped your girlfriend to heal (time and not having intercourse almost certainly did), but we don't know what caused it in the first place. Nobody does, although there is plenty of research into this and other female troubles these days, so eventually we will.

I'm not crazy about the word "foreplay" (what's it "fore" to?), but you can hardly accuse me of not recommending it anyway: "If you're not getting wet, maybe you need more kissing, stroking, fingering, or licking before you try to put anything in," I said. What's that, chopped liver?

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: It's kind of stupid, but I'm 15, and I'm not exactly sure what oral sex or lube jobs are. I'm kind of embarrassed to ask my friends.

Love, Up a Tree

Dear Tree: I wouldn't want to ask your friends either. Not only would they smirk at me and call me whatever it is they're calling nerdy girls these days, but they'd also misinform me. See, "oral sex" is a sex thing. Broadly defined, it means stimulating your partner's genitals with your mouth, which is generally more fun and less work than the stuffy language makes it sound. What your friends mean when they say "oral sex" is either a blow job (taking a penis in your mouth and sucking and moving your mouth and tongue around so it feels good) or cunnilingus (licking or sucking the outside parts of a woman's genitals – the vulva – so it feels good).

A "lube job," however, is a car thing that only sounds like a sex thing. You bring your car in for a change of oil and a lube job. Um, don't you? I admit I know a lot more about sex than I do about cars, but still. A lube job is also a sort of fancy, probably disgusting drink with Bailey's Irish Cream, but you really are too young for that.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My boyfriend and I have been having sex. It was really good! But now he doesn't like to have sex with me because my wetness doesn't last down there for a long time. This is a huge problem! I thought that maybe he wasn't pleasuring me right ... but I don't know what to do! So please help fast ... so I can make our sex better!

Love, Help Now!

Dear Now!: Get some lube! Many women dry out after a time (all women will dry out if things go on for long enough)! That's what store-bought lube is for! Buy some! And then talk to your boyfriend about being so quick to blame you when things don't go exactly his way, and about giving up so easily! That sucks!

Love, Andrea