March 12 2003

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alt.sex.column

Archives|Andrea's Website| Biography| Ask Andrea

By Andrea Nemerson

Why worry?

DEAR ANDREA: My fiancé and I have not had sex; we're an "everything but" couple. I may be paranoid for asking this question, but ... I take birth control but obviously not because I'm having sex. I'll consistently miss at least one pill during each set. During the middle of one of my sets, I missed two pills in a row and had a full-blown period. After that set was done, I didn't have a period, and my next one was so light I almost didn't even know it happened. My fiancé and I usually rub up against each other, but there has never been penetration. If we have never had intercourse but I have gotten some of his sperm on me, is there any chance of pregnancy? My almost nonexistent period is scaring me.

Love, Paranoid

Dear Noid: You're not paranoid. "Dear Andrea, Special Forces operatives are sneaking into my bedroom at night and planting my boyfriend's semen near – although not inside – my vagina. They are also messing up my periods by removing one or two pills from the dispenser every month. How do I foil them, and should I write my congresswoman, or is she in cahoots with them too? She is, isn't she?" – that's paranoid. You're just fretting.

Some things are worth worrying about; the rest are not. Rolling around with your boyfriend is not going to make you pregnant. I mean, in theory it could, but in practice it won't. It's also far more likely that your very light period was a result of being on the pill (you took it properly that month, right?) than that rolling around together got you pregnant. No worries there, really.

Here's what is worth worrying about: Why can't you remember to take your pills, and what are you going to do about it? If he's your fiancé, are we to assume you'll eventually marry? Because once you're married, I'm guessing you'll become an "everything including" couple, leaving behind the innocent days of "everything but." So how much don't you want a baby, oh, say, 9 or 10 months after you start? A whole lot? Like, it would be a huge disaster if you turned up pregnant? Then either you need to consider a birth control method specifically designed with the absentminded in mind (IUD, Depo-Provera), or you need to start taking your pills, missy.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: Is there any kind of cleaning substance that kills sperm? Because I was wondering: after a guy came, could he clean himself up and have sex again?

Love, Sticky Fingers

Dear Fingers: I was going to say "time," but of course, that heals all wounds; it doesn't clean all messes. Most, but not all.

Sperm are quite fragile, amazingly so when you think of what they have to go through to get, you know, there. Just wash. There's little a little warm, soapy water won't fix.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: My question is, does it matter when a girl is on birth control whether you ejaculate in her or not? Does it add more risk? Should I just pull out?

Love, Stymied

Dear Sty: What do you think those pills are for? Isn't it contraception? Unless you're also worried about sexually transmitted diseases or she doesn't take all of her pills on the right days every month, you're covered. Find something else to worry about.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I just recently had sex for the first time. I was very nervous and excited. After I finally put it in and pumped in and out a couple of times, I ejaculated. I am worried that this will happen every time and I will be known for not lasting long at all. Is it normal to ejaculate that fast your first time?

Love,

On Your Mark

Dear Mark: It's not just normal; it's standard. Men come too fast their first time. Either that, or they come too slow, or never come at all. Whichever way it goes, it's wrong.

It's no big deal; none of it is. If you want to make it be a big deal, though, fret about it endlessly and start working up some righteous dread about the next time. If for some reason you want to develop a problem, that's the way to go.

Love, Andrea

E-mail Andrea Nemerson at andrea@altsexcolumn.com.