April 23, 2003
It's funny in Kansas
Arts and Entertainment
DEAR ANDREA: I am a bit confused about my sexual state. I can only get really interested and perform well if I do a certain inappropriate, unladylike thing to my partner. Anything else I am dull and inactive. I have noticed this, and so have my partners. It has become the key to my being sexually aggressive and "fun," which is upsetting and embarrassing for me to reflect on later.
This action I must do (and I have tried various others, but they're not as dramatically "rewarding") is to touch and lick a man's butt area and sphincter. I am totally disappointed that this is my "thing." Please help and analyze.
Love, Ladylike Licker
Dear Lady: If by "analyze" (heh, heh, you said "anal") you mean explain why you are the way you are, I can't. Perhaps a therapist could, but I'd suspect her of making it up. You see, everyone knows our adult sexuality is shaped by (frequently forgotten) childhood events, but everyone's wrong. Very little is actually known about why we're turned on by certain things and left cold by others. Very few people ever manage to change their sexual preferences either. Behavior, occasionally; desires, hardly ever. But we're getting ahead of ourselves here.
What I can tell you is that many people with unusual turn-ons are turned on nearly as much by the naughtiness factor as by the act itself. Crossing the boundaries of gender expectation (in your case, being "unladylike") is a big one. Just ask one of the 10 gazillion wanna-be-forced cross-dressers what's really turning him on: the frillies and lipstick themselves or the fact that wearing them means he's a big sissy and what would they think at home/work/church if they saw him dressed like that? The girlie stuff is a legitimate fetish of its own, of course, but most people wouldn't even bother if it weren't forbidden.
I'm sorry you're "disappointed" (a novel way to phrase it) by your sexuality, and I can see why you might be, but there actually are some positives to it. You are in touch with your turn-on, and you get to be aggressive and fun in bed not everyone does, you know provided you pay obeisance to the ass gods first. Not so terrible. You don't seem to be having any trouble finding willing partners, either, or I assume you would have mentioned it. You are not outstandingly dysfunctional, to tell you the truth. It does seem as though you have yourself compartmentalized into the daytime nice girl and the dirty ass-licker you become at night. It's possible, I suppose, that you could integrate these with extensive therapy, but do you need to? Or would it be OK just to look in the mirror, Stuart Smalley-style, and tell yourself, "I am a lady, and I lick ass"?
P.S. Don't get hepatitis.
Dear Andrea: I'm in my mid 20s. Most would call me a pretty boy. I like women and always have, especially tomboys. I've been wanting to have my new girlfriend do me with a strap-on, but I don't want her to think I'm gay. How should I approach this topic with her? And do you think this is something an average woman would want to do? Aside from physical pleasure, I truly believe this would make our relationship better and make us both feel like equal partners. Please share your thoughts.
Love, Pretty Boy
Dear Boy: If you don't want your girlfriend thinking you're gay, don't confess an abiding and overweening desire for men. That should go a long way toward your goal. Seriously, she probably won't think you're gay, and if she does, you can just say, "Well, I'm not" and not even be lying, right?
I can't tell you if the average woman wants to fuck you up the ass; the average woman doesn't want to do much of anything, seeing as she doesn't even exist. Your girlfriend might, but sadly, there aren't any statistics on that. You could do something shocking, like wait till she's in the vicinity and then move her hand in that direction. If she takes the hint, great; if not, well, your hand slipped. Or if you're in the habit of watching that sort of thing together, you could slip a copy of Bend over Boyfriend into the porno stack and see how she responds. Then again, you could skip all of that and simply ask her if she'd be interested.
Funny about the "butt-fucking for better relationships" thing. I've recommended mutual anal exploration more than once, on the theory that it's one act you can do that's pretty much the same sex-to-sex and gender-to-gender, prostate gland not withstanding. I'd stop short, though, of actually prescribing a strap-on or expecting it to magically improve your relationship. That's expecting kind of a lot from a lump of silicone and a pelvic thrust.
E-mail Andrea Nemerson at email@example.com.