DEAR ANDREA: I have been helping a friend through bad times. She had an affair, and she recently told me that when she makes love to her husband, he insists that she describe the sex she had during her affair. She is emotionally on the edge and can't stand much more. I didn't have any idea what to tell her. Why would anyone want to hear about the sex his or her spouse had during an affair?

Love, Why Oh Why?

Dear Why: You're actually asking two different questions here, or at least you should be: "Why would anyone want to hear that?" and "Does she really have to tell him?"

Why anyone wants anything beyond your basic food and shelter is essentially unknowable. We want what we want. Believe it or not, a lot of people want to hear what their partners have been up to when they weren't around. Why does this guy like it? It could be the sense of mastery it offers: "You may have done it with so-and-so, but I've got you now, ha-ha!" That's one possibility. Then there's the exact opposite turn-on: some people enjoy the humiliation of having been cuckolded. Or maybe it's just hot for him all by itself; not everything has to be complicated, you know. I hope I don't have to explain the appeal of a dirty story narrated by the object of one's desire.

In this case, I'd imagine there's an element of your basic hotness, mixed with a desire to humiliate not himself but her. He may have taken her back, but what do you want to bet he hasn't quite forgiven her? Perhaps making her go through this ritual every single time, when it's clear she doesn't want to, is punishment, plain and simple. One of these days, she's going to have to pipe up and say, "Nuh-uh," she's paid her dues, she's not paying any more, and it's time for him to forgive her or admit he can't. Either she does that or I'll have to assume that, miserable as she may be, she's getting something out of it too.

Listen, unless he's got a gun or the marriage-killing equivalent thereof (an ultimatum), he doesn't get to "insist." Whatever happened to "please"?

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: I seem to have a recurring dilemma wherein I gradually lose interest sexually, and while I still love and care for the person, they no longer float my boat. I haven't come up with a satisfying explanation. An early introduction to hardcore porn may have jaded my little mind to the point where one partner simply won't do. And while I used to not hold astrology in very high esteem, readings have said that I get bored quite easily in the carnal arena. It's not that I don't desire to be monogamous, and anyway, finding one person to have sex with is hard enough. I'd rather stay turned on by the one I find emotionally and intellectually stimulating, but it just always seems to fade. I know that you tend to try to steer far away from explaining individuals' sexual desires, and that you've often cautioned people about the emotional pitfalls of polyamorous relationships, but have you come across people you thought had satisfying sexual relationships including multiple partners? I'm definitely not looking to join the lifestyle. I'm just wondering if healthy multiple partnerships exist.

Love, Sinking Boat

Dear Boat: Do such people exist? Sure. Haven't I said that in the past, right before the part about how rare they are and how emotionally mature (an acquired state) and nonterritorial (an inborn trait) they have to be to carry it off? Surely I've mentioned that such ventures will tend to flame out rather spectacularly unless everyone involved possesses a rarely encountered degree of self-knowledge and a highly evolved ability to communicate, but I never claimed they didn't exist.

I can't help wondering if maybe you're expecting just a bit too much of your partners and of poor old monogamy itself. You do know that the ardor tends to cool as the shock of the new becomes the comfort of the same old, same old, right? I mean, it just does. Staying together after that requires both a willingness to accept some loss of honeymoon hotness and some active attempts to keep the flame alive. It doesn't just happen, most of the time. You have to apply yourself.

Perhaps in your case, it does have something to do with pornography or the stars, but come on, what are the chances? Far more likely, you are simply wired for novelty, like so many men (and some women) before you. Either you can hunt for a partner who will be willing to explore some multiple-partner avenues with you, or you can adjust to the fact that – left to its own devices – the glow will fade, and you can learn to work with it.